


ten years later (just in time)

by Adohug, ifthebookdoesntsell



Category: The Prom (2020), The Prom - Sklar/Beguelin/Martin
Genre: F/F, Friends to Lovers, High School Reunions, Kelby - Freeform, Nonbinary Character, Re-falling In Love, Reunions, we've decided that absolutely nobody in this friendgroup is cishet anymore and thats that on that :)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-24
Packaged: 2021-03-25 00:47:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30080904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adohug/pseuds/Adohug, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifthebookdoesntsell/pseuds/ifthebookdoesntsell
Summary: (retrouvailles: the joy of reuniting with someone after a long separation; rediscovery.)Once more, her gaze moves back to the treehouse, can almost still see Kaylee perched on the edge of the platform, can almost feel fingers dancing down the back of her wrist, a pinky linking with hers. She shivers despite herself, despite knowing that she hasn’t seen her ex-best friend in so long she doesn’t know if ex-best friend is the sort of thing that even still applies, despite remembering the exact feeling of having Kaylee’s chin hooked over her shoulder.She swallows hard, ripping herself from the imaginary grasp.It is not the time to think of what could have been. It is not the time to wonder. It is not the time to think of anything but looking good, but showing everybody how much she’s changed, but making new memories of JMHS and leaving old ones behind.(Or, the one where it's the ten year reunion, and Shelby hasn't seen anyone since the summer after graduation. The one where every moment can be encompassed by a word, a definition. She's always loved words.)(Or or, what we thought was going to be a one-shot has quickly turned into not-that, and really, we're just gay.)
Relationships: Alyssa Greene & Shelby, Alyssa Greene/Emma Nolan, Greg/Kevin (The Prom Musical), Kaylee/Shelby (The Prom Musical)
Comments: 49
Kudos: 44





	1. absquatulated: to have left without saying goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> hey y'all! here's an au that we thought up that we fully intended to be a little one-shot and it's turned into much more than that. it's taken on a whole life of it's own, and it's honestly been so fun to write, so we hope that you like it! 
> 
> thanks for reading!

**_(énouement: the bittersweetness of having arrived in the future, seeing how things turn out, but not being able to tell your past self.)_ **

Shelby only gets home in time to drop her things off and change. She kisses her mom on the cheek hello, hugs her papí and breathes in his gentle scent that always brings her comfort before she dashes up stairs, pulling out her dress and makeup bag. 

As she does her makeup, staring at herself in the vanity mirror, she can’t help it when her eyes flicker outside, catch on the treehouse that holds thousands of memories that she does her best to lock away. Normally, she’s quite good at it, but now, with the bearer of those memories staring her directly in the face, it’s impossible to ignore them. 

In a flash, she’s eighteen again, kissing Kaylee in the treehouse, holding Kaylee’s hand, eating dinner with Kaylee. All of a sudden, they’re driving down the highway, music blaring from the speakers; she blushes at the thought of a smirking Kaylee asking if she’d like roadside assistance on a side-street. 

Such times feel so far away that it seems like more than ten years since they’ve seen each other, since they’ve so much as spoken. Shelby feels regret well up within her as it always does at the notion that it’s been a decade, feels nerves rush through her at the thought that all of that might change tonight. 

Once more, her gaze moves back to the treehouse, can almost still see Kaylee perched on the edge of the platform, can almost feel fingers dancing down the back of her wrist, a pinky linking with hers. She shivers despite herself, despite knowing that she hasn’t seen her ex-best friend in so long she doesn’t know if _ex-best friend_ is the sort of thing that even still applies, despite remembering the exact feeling of having Kaylee’s chin hooked over her shoulder. 

She swallows hard, ripping herself from the imaginary grasp. 

It is not the time to think of what could have been. It is not the time to wonder. It is not the time to think of anything but looking good, but showing everybody how much she’s changed, but making new memories of JMHS and leaving old ones behind. 

After leaving Edgewater, Shelby had a becoming, had a newness wash over her as soon as the town no longer tied her down. There is still so much work she can do on herself, so much she can do to be better, but, at least, most days Shelby is able to wake up and hold a sort of contentment close. 

It isn’t perfect. Nobody has warmed the left side of her bed in years— such things are partially her own fault, partially the fault of the one person she refuses to think about— but she tries to ignore the loneliness that she can’t help but feel like she deserves, even slightly. 

_What she has is enough,_ Shelby reminds herself, repeats it until it rings through her like gospel, like she’s trying to convince herself of its truth. 

_It’s enough._

This is the life she’d hoped for since she knew what it was to long for independence, for freedom, for something beyond Edgewater. Her past self would be cheering her on. She smiles softly at the thought, the kind of smile that can be dismantled if studied for too long. Shelby tucks it away in her pocket, this broken kind of happiness something she keeps for herself. 

She stares at herself in the mirror again, smiling wider, prettier, in the way everyone will expect her to when she arrives. She allows her mantra to echo in her chest once more: 

_It’s enough_. 

***

Shelby doesn’t know what to expect when she pulls up to JMHS in her rental car. It’s not as if the school ever had a big budget, but she’s pleased enough to feel a pounding of bass-heavy music in her chest and colorful light flickering in the few windows of the gym. 

The reunion was advertised in her email as _four days of non-stop fun,_ though she’s not quite sure if she believes that it will be _non-stop._

Or fun. 

She snorts at the thought, ready to take advantage of the hopeful endless appetizers and open bar. She’s going in with zero expectations, zero ability to gauge how this night will go. Checking herself in the mirror, Shelby grabs her lipstick from her purse, pleased with the way its more mellow-pink tone complements her outfit. 

The dress is one of her favorites, blue-flower-printed, and her leather jacket, which she’s pretty sure is her most worn clothing item, sits comfortably on her shoulders, broken in and giving her the look of _grown and different._ She smiles as widely as she can in the mirror one last time, trying to seem as sure of herself as she possibly can be, before gathering her things and pushing the door open. 

***

**_(retrouvailles: the joy of reuniting with someone after a long separation; rediscovery.)_ **

The pounding bass makes the whole gymnasium quiver as Shelby pulls the door open, scanning for any familiar faces. 

Nobody seems to have changed too much, at least from afar, but that doesn’t mean she hasn’t missed a ton, and she knows that. A few people smile at her awkwardly as they catch sight of her, and it does nothing to quell her anxiety over the fact that people only remember seventeen-year-old her, but she does her best to remain stoic, blocking out her worry as she finally lays eyes on Alyssa and Emma. 

They’re tangled in each other as always, Edgewater’s It Couple that never was in high school: a beloved music teacher and queer rights lawyer, so wholly in love and clearly expected to start a family any day now.

They’re also the only two people Shelby recognizes, at least from the distance she’s at. Curiously, she takes a few steps closer, gaze moving over the little group her best friend— honestly, she isn’t sure if she can even call Alyssa that; it may be more accurate to say _only friend she kept in contact with—_ and her wife are standing with, when suddenly— 

Suddenly, she’s sure who everyone is. 

It knocks the wind out of her. 

“Shelby!” one of them calls, gesturing her over, and that’s when she’s sure. 

_Nick._

But not the Nick she knows. Well, _knew._

Taking a few more careful steps, she’s able to squint at the name tag. 

**_Nick Boomer_ **

_(he/him, they/them)_

Shelby does a double-take for one moment before she pulls herself together. Discreetly, she surveys this new Nick; they have nail-polish, a little eyeliner, and still look damn good in a suit. He also has a _very_ pretty woman on his arm, one that Shelby is sure she’s never seen before. 

**_Cynthia Jones_ **

_(she/her)_

The woman waves, and Shelby smiles at her as best she can, looking to the others in the makeshift circle, suddenly feeling extremely out of place, as they all seem quite comfortable with each other and who they’ve become. 

**_Kevin Nolan-Shield_ **

_(he/him)_

**_Greg Nolan-Shield_ **

_(he/him)_

Both men wave, eyes bright, excitement clear. 

Shelby’s heart stutters. 

She didn’t even remember they got married, despite having gotten an invitation. She’d declined, citing some work reason. 

Now, she regrets it. 

As she regrets most things. 

To add insult to injury, she can’t help it as her eyes continue to move over the room, searching for the one person she’s most terrified and also hoping to see. Shelby can feel several gazes on her, knows that all of her friends— _former friends?—_ are exactly aware of thoughts. 

As if summoned, a familiar voice, one that always used to fill up all the empty space she always hated, one that she grew to know close to her ear and yelling across the hall, too, suddenly speaks behind her. 

“Hey everyone!” 

Shelby turns around. She loses her breath. 

In front of her is Kaylee Klein. But it’s not the Kaylee Klein she thought she would see, not one she even imagined. 

She squints at the name tag stuck to a perfectly pressed blazer: _Kaylee Klein (xe/xem/xyr)._

Shelby immediately adjusts everything in her brain, surveying the person in front of her, the person she hasn’t seen in ten years. She takes in the suit xe is wearing, the way its style and movement almost rivals Emma’s, the way Kaylee seems so damn confident in it. Xe has glasses now; they’re slightly square in shape, accentuating the sharpness of xyr jaw, the blueness of xyr eyes, due to their darker navy color. 

She barely has time to shrink out of the way when Kaylee takes a step forward into their little circle, hugging everyone hello, grinning at Nick. 

“Nice suit, Klein,” he laughs, poking xyr shoulder playfully. “Hot!” 

Kaylee snorts. “You only say that because you helped me pick it out.” 

Nick preens a little at that. “Damn right!” they agree. 

Shelby watches the interaction, confusion and unsureness welling up inside her. 

She’s missed so much.

**_(scintilla: a tiny trace or spark of a specified quality or feeling; that which is gone, that which you missed, a barely there signifier of lives changed while you can only sniff their scent in the distance, wonder if there's a way to tell the difference between the sugar-sticky air of blondies and cookies, the lingering of perfume and real flowers, if enough time has passed.)_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there! thanks for reading! what did you think? if you enjoyed, consider dropping us a comment/kudo down below. we'd love to hear from you! we hope you'll stick around to see how the story unfolds :)
> 
> as always, you can find us both in the prom discord or on tumblr @judastarkid and @ifthebookdoesntsell.
> 
> be safe out there! x


	2. the meantime: the moment of realization that your quintessential future self isn’t ever going to show up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suddenly, a thought overtakes Shelby, her mind drifting to a word she used to love, thought romantic, even. 
> 
> _Hiraeth: a combination of homesickness, nostalgia, and yearning; a deep and irrational bond felt with a time, era, place, or person; a longing for a home, a moment, a feeling that cannot be returned to, no longer exists, or maybe never was._  
>    
> It is what she’s feeling right now to the Nth degree. She knows this for certain. 
> 
> (Or, the one where Shelby has so much catching up to do.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all! we hope that you liked chapter one. in this chap, we get a bit deeper into shelby's brain and where she's at, so we hope that you like it! things will get better for her!
> 
> thanks for sticking around :)

**_(apolune: the point at which a spacecraft in lunar orbit is farthest from the moon.)_ **

Shelby stares at Kaylee, watches as xe moves confidently through their group, hugging everyone hello. 

Her eyes track xyr every movement, and it’s difficult to even sort out everything she’s feeling. 

Kaylee looks… good. Really good. 

And Shelby hates herself for even thinking it, but it’s the sort of thought that's impossible to get around. Xe seems to have gone through a full wardrobe switch, everything about xyr outfit matching down to the cufflinks. 

Shelby studies xem further, almost choking on her own saliva when she’s able to see how different xyr hair is, the perfect line of xyr undercut, but the thing that really makes her blush all over is Kaylee’s smile. 

Xe seems happy, happier than either of them ever were in high school. 

Suddenly, a thought overtakes Shelby, her mind drifting to a word she used to love, thought romantic, even. 

_ Hiraeth: a combination of homesickness, nostalgia, and yearning; a deep and irrational bond felt with a time, era, place, or person; a longing for a home, a moment, a feeling that cannot be returned to, no longer exists, or maybe never was. _

It is what she’s feeling right now to the Nth degree. She knows this for certain. 

She’s nostalgic for what they had in that brief moment of summer, in those moments after dark and before dawn where Kaylee was hers and only hers. She stares at xem longer, at the perfect press of xyr suit, at the confidence with which xe’s walking. It’s heartstopping to say the least, but then, Kaylee settles in front of her, still grinning. 

Shelby looks down at xem warily, unsure how to feel, what she’s  _ allowed  _ to feel. She swallows hard, preparing to speak though she doesn’t know what she’ll say. 

“Hey! It’s been a bit, huh?” Kaylee laughs nervously, looking up at her, a view Shelby only ever got when xe would take off xyr heels. Now, said heels seem to have been exchanged permanently for Nike Air-Force 1s. Shelby looks closer. Kaylee has non-binary pride lace-locks. 

It makes her smile. She’s a little breathless as she meets blue eyes once more. They hold that same sort of infinity that she loved when they were young, still make her melt with this single look. 

Suddenly, she feels eighteen all over again:

**_(onsra: the bittersweet feeling that love won’t last, that heartbreak is on the horizon.)_ **

_ It begins easily.  _

_ It’s days after graduation, and the last bits of spring are still lingering in everyone’s breath. They’re already in deep enough that Shelby is able to tell that this could possibly end in heartbreak, but she’s young, naive enough to think that maybe there’s some way to stop it.  _

_ Kaylee makes her happy, makes her feel herself for the first time in her whole life. Kaylee is songs with good acoustic guitar, is the wind in her hair and apple pie on the beach as a fire is lit. Quite simply, Kaylee is intoxicating, the only thing Shelby would ever feel okay getting drunk on. Xe is lilac mornings, the perfect wakeup, grape soda and every other purple thing that Shelby can think of.  _

_ Purple is her favorite color.  _

_ Kaylee is her favorite.  _

_ Shelby likes lying beside xem in the middle of the night, listening to the rhythm and cadence of xyr breath as she pretends that this is the kind of thing that could last forever. Some days, she wakes up to Kaylee between her thighs, wakes up to a perfect tightness in her gut, wakes up to automatically snapping her hands down into soft, dark hair, her head tipped back as she tries to stay quiet.  _

_ “You’re beautiful,” Kaylee always whispers, xyr voice filled with sugar sweet love, a reserved kind of adoration hidden beneath the compliment.  _

_ “Thank you,” Shelby breathes back every single time, drags xem into a kiss that tastes of Edgewater rain and gentle euphoria.  _

_ Sometime during that summer, Shelby helps Kaylee dye xyr hair. It isn’t permanent, just some streaks of blue that bring out xyr eyes. They stain the entire sink indigo, the porcelain enduring each pass of water that rushes over it, pulling in the color of fresh dusk as if it doesn’t really mind change, as if it's been longing for a newness, too.  _

_ Dye drips onto the bathroom floor as Kaylee puts on some love song filled with heat and passion and possibility. Shelby complains that it’s too loud, that the neighbors will complain, but her friend— lover?— shakes xyr head, whispers that it’s their youth, that they shouldn’t waste it.  _

_ Shelby agrees without much more protest, allows herself to be kissed stupid against the sink that’s slowly losing the navy hue the longer she runs the hot water. She giggles, and Kaylee smiles against her lips.  _

_ For a moment, nothing hurts.  _

_ It ends as simply as that, too.  _

_ Shelby scrubs at her sink until her palms are red, snorting to herself that together, the two colors should make purple, but instead, the entire air of the room can’t be described as anything but extremely angry, but heartbroken exactly as she had predicted.  _

_ It was her first summer fling, Shelby knows that, and already, she finds herself praying that there will never be another.  _

_ The final days where Kaylee has already gone before Shelby’s to head off to college, the ones where she tells herself that she’ll call, are the hardest. She lies alone in her bed, thinking about how she used to tuck herself in the crook of xyr neck, about how she could listen for xyr heartbeat, hear it stutter and pick up once more. She’s unable to think of anything but Kaylee’s hand in hers, but driving down the highway twenty over the speed limit as rosiness began to fall from dawn’s fingertips, drunk on each other and the quickly receding night.  _

_ “You’ll miss this one day!”  _

_ Kaylee’s voice rings through her chest as she stares at the ceiling, as she can’t help but think that it’s only been two days and she already does. Desperately, she clings to her youth as Kaylee always instructed her to, but she already knows it’s slipping through her fingers, knows it’s being wasted in a vain attempt to cover up the brief love that she had, to forget this summer and everything that it meant.  _

_ Somehow, despite the fact that Shelby knew it wouldn’t last, it hurts most to know that it’s truly gone, that the thought of calling makes her sick on its own, that actually speaking to anyone from the old life that was once hers, the old life that she destroyed, the old life that she used to hurt so many people, may be the thing that really kills her.  _

_ In this moment, she already knows that regret will be what rules her twenties, and yet, she cannot do anything about it, tears her heart from her chest as she used to any time anybody got close enough to see just how lost she is.  _

_ Kaylee could see.  _

_ And now, Kaylee is gone.  _

“Shelby?” the Kaylee in front of her asks softly. 

Shelby doesn’t know what to say. There  _ is _ nothing to say. She’s the reason they lost touch; she’s the reason she didn’t know about this change. She has no right to be as floored as she is right now, not when she’s the reason that heartbreak still swoops through her when blue eyes examine her the way they would when they used to lie beside each other in the dark. 

“I have to use the bathroom,” she breathes, tearing her gaze away from the perfect crease of Kaylee’s collar, from how perfectly fitted xyr suit is, from the shave of xyr undercut that she just wants to touch, just wants to feel under her fingertips as she forces xem close, one hand wrapped around the knot of xyr tie and the other on the back of xyr neck pulling xem in for a kiss. Her breath stutters. It’s not her place to think about Kaylee like that. She hates herself for it. “I have to go,” she repeats, rushing away. 

She thinks she hears a voice call after her, but she ignores it, quickly finding the bathroom and pushing the door open, checking to make sure she’s alone before she leans against the tile wall of the large stall, trying to take a deep breath. 

It’s not as if she expected anyone to be the same, but she didn’t expect them to be so  _ different _ either. Most notably, she can’t stop thinking about Kaylee: xyr smile, xyr confidence, how much xe has changed, how much she can’t help but  _ like it,  _ even though it’s absolutely not her place. 

Shelby can’t get xyr eyes out of her head, their familiarity that makes her lose her breath, the way their blue still makes her feel like she’s breathing and forgotten how to all at the same time—

She shakes herself out of it, grounding herself with the coolness of the wall. She can’t think like this. 

It’s been ten years. 

Everyone has new lives.  _ Kaylee _ has a new life. 

Shelby takes one last deep breath, resolving that this week will go smoother if she mostly sticks to Alyssa and tries not to get tangled up in anything messy before she turns on her heel to leave the stall, briefly meeting her own gaze in one of the mirrors above the sinks. She attempts another smile, quietly shoving the confusion, regret, and unwarranted loneliness back where it came. 

There’s no reason to even believe that there’s still a chance, not when Kaylee's different, now when xe’s better than she’ll ever be. 

It was foolish to even think of pinning any kind of hope on Kaylee. 

**_(apolune, indefinitely.)_ **

***

Kaylee has a sort of spring in xyr step as Shelby watches xem move through the gym, shooting smiles and shaking hands as xe makes xyr way towards the bar to grab some food and drink. 

“You’re drooling,” Alyssa teases, nudging her gently. 

“I’m not!” Shelby hisses back, but she has to admit that her eyes have been on Kaylee since xe walked in more than a half hour ago. “Xe is just… different.”

“Yeah, no shit.” Alyssa laughs. “Doesn’t mean you have to look like you want xem to get you out of your dress so intensely.” 

Shelby groans, glaring at her best friend. “Shut up. It’s not that.” She really means the words, really knows it’s more than the fact that the clear differences in Kaylee make her hot all over in ways that she really shouldn’t be. 

“Then what is it?” Alyssa prompts gently, obviously curious. 

Hesitating, Shelby finally tears her gaze away from the one in question, so many words stuck on the inside of her throat.

It’s impossible to say everything she’s feeling, impossible to explain the way she already finds herself drowning in Kaylee and all it took was for xem to say her name. She feels eighteen all over again in xyr presence, feels like the teenage Shelby who clang to Kaylee in the dark after an anxiety nightmare, got swept up into xyr arms and held until dawn broke, until the echoes of her worries fell away as soft neck kisses soothed her back into relaxation. 

“I understand.” Alyssa finally interrupts her thoughts softly. “You don’t have to explain it to me.” 

Shelby nods at her gratefully, eyes snapping back to Kaylee without thought, as xe obviously flirts with the bartender, as several people give xem a wide berth, simultaneously intimidated, attracted, and curious. 

She thinks she sees Alyssa and Emma go off with Nick, but she doesn’t think much of it, unsure if she can even handle moving, even remember how, not with Kaylee looking like  _ that:  _ happy, confident,  _ sure.  _

All she can do is stare.

**_(vellichor: the strange reminiscent feeling of used bookstores, which are somehow infused with the passage of time—filled with thousands of old stories you’ll never have time to read, hear, or understand, each of which is itself locked in its own era, bound and dated and papered over like an old room that was abandoned by its author years ago, a hidden room scented with wistful memory, littered with thoughts left just as they were on the day they were captured.)_ **

***

“Let’s go out for ice cream!” Kevin proposes as the night begins to wind down. 

Everyone’s a bit looser, now, a drink or two in their system, and it isn’t lost on anybody the way Kaylee and Shelby have been avoiding any kind of proper interaction. 

“Sounds like fun,” Alyssa agrees, leaning slightly against Emma, who smiles softly at the action, kissing the top of her head. “Is there still a Coldstone?”

“Yeah!” Greg grins. “We drove by it on the way in. The sign said it’s 24-hours, just like in high school.” He takes Kevin’s hand gently in his. “Why don’t we all meet up there? Bring all the cars so we can leave from there?”

Everyone looks around, nodding in silent agreement. 

***

They manage to snag the only booth with room enough for all of them inside, all of the couples snuggling up close together with Shelby and Kaylee in the middle. 

Shelby sits a bit awkwardly, acutely aware of the barely there space between them, the way Kaylee’s thrown an arm over the backrest so that xyr arm is just a single move from being around her. She spoons a bit of cookies-and-cream ice cream from her cup, savoring it on her tongue as everybody talks, listening carefully for anything she’s missed over the years. 

She takes in the story of how Nick asked out Cynthia, even manages a laugh when Kaylee chimes in that xe is the only reason that he even plucked up the courage, smiles as Kevin says softly that he and Greg will be celebrating three years next month. 

It’s almost like old times. 

Especially when Kaylee taps her on the shoulder. 

Her heart jumps in her chest as she turns to meet xyr eyes.

“Hey,” xe says softly, smiling in a way that makes Shelby shift in her seat. “I’m saying it again, since you never said hey back to me and ran off to the bathroom back at the gym.”

Shelby blushes, inexplicably flustered. “Right. Sorry about that.” 

Kaylee’s lips twitch good naturedly. “You’re not sorry.”

She can’t help but laugh at that. “I’m really not. You’re right.”  _ It was the only way I could get out of telling you I missed you right there,  _ is what she doesn’t say. 

There’s an awkward pause between them— the kind of stop in a conversation that never would have happened to them, once— and finally, Kaylee looks down, a little nervous and… maybe a bit disappointed, too, though Shelby thinks she may be projecting. 

“It’s good to see you,” xe finally says, voice a little thick. “You look good.” 

Shelby coughs. “You look good too, Kay.”

For a moment, they just look at each other, Shelby taking xem in at a closer distance, now, eyes tracing over the frame of xyr glasses, the bridge of xyr nose. There’s something so familiar and yet unfamiliar about this Kaylee; physically, xe’s the same: gorgeous as ever, soft in all the right places and sculpted in all the others, but somehow, xe feels like a completely different person, grown up, older in a way that Shelby never thought would fit xem, but somehow so does. 

She doesn’t know what to ask, doesn’t know what’s nagging at her brain, but there’s a maturity to Kaylee, as if xe finally understands the world a bit more than when they were kids, than when they both thought Shelby’s backyard was a kingdom and the world was something they could conquer together. That innocence that hung between them is now gone, replaced by a swirling of regret, loneliness, curiosity, and, if she wants to be optimistic,  _ hope.  _

The conversation in the booth continues around them, but Shelby can’t hear any of it; she’s already breaking her first and only rule about the next four days, one that she only made a few hours ago. 

She can’t stop looking at Kaylee, just like in the gym. 

But this time, Kaylee can’t stop looking at her, either. 

**_(mamihlapinatapai: a look shared by two people, each wishing the other would initiate something they both desire but which neither wants to begin; a yearning for another who returns such feelings.)_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there! thanks for reading. what did you think? if you enjoyed, consider dropping us a comment/kudo down below. we love hearing from you!
> 
> as always, you can find both of us in the prom discord or @ifthebookdoesntsell and @judastarkid on tumblr. 
> 
> be safe out there x


	3. melancholy: a feeling of pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Squinting, she sees a few new messages on the screen. 
> 
> Interesting. 
> 
> After doing a quick pat around for her glasses, Shelby unlocks the screen, going slightly pale and breath catching when she sees who texted:
> 
> **Kaylee: 2 new messages.**
> 
> (Or, the one where they reconnect for real.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all! if you couldn't tell by now, we have a daily update schedule! we hope that you're enjoying this fic as much as we enjoyed writing it :) 
> 
> [here's](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4zEUp1r8i7AA94lO9g4g9r?si=X5oncEG_R028bGg_WKSn_w) a link to a playlist for this fic, too! 
> 
> thanks for reading!

**_(blue: a nondescript sort of sadness, the kind that is unidentifiable, so much so that it may feel undeserved, wherein it's difficult to find the source of such feelings, but is so very present.)_ **

Around nine-thirty, Shelby manages to force her eyes open, exhausted from a night of socializing more than she ever has in the past ten years. Back in New York, life consists of mostly work, going to the market, and watching too much House Hunters, but yesterday, it was like she’d been given an entire shock to her system, and now, it’s left. 

For more hours than she’d like to admit, she lied awake, weighing everything she missed against her own insecurities, her own reasons for staying away. Greg and Kevin are married. Nick has a girlfriend. And Kaylee— 

Shelby shakes herself out of her thoughts once more, pressing the heel of her palms into her eyes as she sits up, not even bothering to feel beside her in bed, knowing she’s alone; she searches for her phone instead. 

Squinting, she sees a few new messages on the screen. 

Interesting. 

After doing a quick pat around for her glasses, Shelby unlocks the screen, going slightly pale and breath catching when she sees who texted:

**Kaylee: 2 new messages.**

She’d never bothered to add a last name, but then again, there’s only ever been— and only ever will be— one Kaylee in her life. For a moment, she lingers in the curiosity of the moment, of not knowing what xe said. The only word that shows up on the message preview reads  _ hey! _

Nervously, she swipes up and down for a few seconds, trying to decide what to do, when she notices that Kaylee messaged just under 2 hours ago. Her eyes widen. Shelby doesn’t think that she’d ever known Kaylee to be up that early. 

So, despite everything, she finally clicks open the message, reading the first bubble. 

**[Kaylee, 7:45am]:** _ hey! i really hope that you’re sleeping; i’m awake because i have to answer some work emails, but i might take a nap after this. anyway, i just wanted to message to say that i missed your face, gonzales. it was good to see you.  _

Stupidly, the thing that makes Shelby smile most is that Kaylee used a semicolon properly. Her eyes skate down to the second message. She grins harder. 

**[Kaylee, 7:47am]:** _ fuck. sorry i hit send on accident. where that was going was that i was going to ask you if you wanted to meet up today. the activities aren’t mandatory today— and i’m sure that we could get a pass from alyssa, anyway :)— and i thought it would be good to catch up like old times?  _

Apparently, Kaylee uses em dashes, now, too. 

Shelby knows it’s a dumb thing to notice, but she can’t help the way it makes her think of old texts where xe used almost exclusively emojis and abbreviations. 

Without even thinking of what it could mean, she begins to scroll up at the memory. 

Shelby regrets it immediately, but she can’t stop. Carefully, she reads through messages that Kaylee sent over the years, ones she ignored, eventually grew more sporadic, and then stopped altogether. 

**[Kaylee, 3.25 years ago]:** _ happy birthday. i miss you. the big twenty-five! bet you’re changing the world.  _

Her heart clenches. She remembers staring at this message, remembers contemplating calling. A few months prior to that, Kaylee had texted for Christmas, and on it goes, a grey bubble here or there, marking holidays and important milestones. 

Her stomach flips when her eyes catch on words that make her stop in her tracks. 

**[Kaylee, 5 years ago]:** _ you missed the five year reunion (obviously, lmao. you’re not here). i hope you’re doing alright. i love you.  _

_ I love you.  _

Shelby reads the words several times over before she rips herself from the message, some part of her telling her to just shut her phone, but she can’t, not until— 

She reaches ten years ago faster than she expected. It makes sense that it wouldn’t take long, wouldn’t take all that much effort to time travel this way, not since she never replied, too afraid or too self conscious to ever send anything back. 

**[Kaylee, 9.5 years ago]:** _ are you ever gonna call? _

Suddenly, Shelby finds herself on the verge of tears. 

She didn’t call. 

And there’s no way to protect this eighteen-year-old Kaylee from heartbreak, to go back and tell xem that it’s not worth xyr time, that xe should find someone better, someone who could love xem, who deserves xem. There’s no way to say xe should find a girl worth loving, who knows who she is, who she was, and who she wants to be. 

Her thumb keeps moving, shoving her back in time until she’s reading through their old late night messages asking when the other would be coming around the next day, through risqué texts and quiet notes by Shelby of words she loves. But those aren’t the ones she keeps reading. Instead, her eyes zero in on another set, one that almost makes the tears welling at the corners of her eyes begin to fall. 

**[Shelby, 10 years ago]:** _ you know you’re my favorite person?  _

**[Kaylee, 10 years ago]:** _ you’re my favorite too _

Pulse thrumming, Shelby can’t help it as she grows slightly intoxicated by these past versions of them, the ones she might dare to say were in love, even if only in the dark where they both pretended they couldn’t see. 

She can’t help but laugh out loud around her clogged throat at an exchange that became as familiar as breathing over the years, though this time, there’s more charged air behind the words she’s reading, even after all these years. 

**[Kaylee, 10 years ago]:** _ any1 ever tell you that your a genius? _

**[Shelby, 10 years ago]:** _ you used the wrong you’re lmao _

**[Kaylee, 10 years ago]:** _ not all of us can get a near perfect score on our english act shelby  _

**[Shelby, 10 years ago]:** _ you missed a comma, kaylee _

**[Kaylee, 10 years ago]:** _ fuck u  _

**[Shelby, 10 years ago]:** _ you’re gonna have to ask nicer than that ;) _

It’s just so  _ them,  _ so much exactly what she needed then and exactly what she craves now, even after a decade of pretending like she’s perfectly content with being alone. 

The hope is so strong in her chest that it compels her to swipe down back to the present, to throw the careful caution that always sits deep and heavy in her chest to the wind. 

She hovers her fingers over the keyboard, trying to compose a thoughtful message that is neither too eager nor too stoic. 

**[Shelby, now]:** _ i would really like to meet up. it was good seeing you too. where should we go? _

It’s not even a second later that Kaylee replies. 

**[Kaylee, now]:** _ how about i come pick you up? i can get us breakfast from the diner. yes, i still remember your order: two eggs (over-easy), bacon, pancakes and a side of hashbrowns. and before you hate on me me for the lack of a comma, as a journalist, i don’t use the oxford <3 _

Shelby’s heart stutters in her chest. It seems as though she isn’t the only one who remembers how they used to be. She types out a reply before she can overcomplicate anything. 

**[Shelby, now]:** _ don’t forget the extra maple syrup ;)  _

Kaylee answers as quick as a snap. 

**[Kaylee, now]:** _ but it’s so much more fun when you used to steal it from me, knock it over, and then get my car all dirty :( _

She can’t help but laugh at that, wiping at her eyes. This feels easy, good, better than anything in years. Kaylee has always had this way about xem, a way of making her forget her troubles. 

**[Shelby, now]:** _ shut up lmao  _

**[Shelby, now]:** _ and journalist?  _

Kaylee’s next message makes her wholly sure that she’s never felt so much for anyone as she does for xem, as she did, or ever will.

**[Kaylee, now]:** _ my annoying ass best friend used to send me words she learned in high school that she didn’t want to forget as if i was her diary. some of that must have rubbed off on me. turns out when you’re not constantly judged by your peers and told who you have to be, you can find something you’re actually good at lmao _

**[Kaylee, now]:** _ but we can get into the finer details when i see you irl. i’ll be over in an hour. that okay? _

**[Shelby, now]:** _ of course. see you then :) _

Shelby smiles. 

**_(metanoia: a profound transformation, often emotional in nature.)_ **

***

“Alyssa!” Shelby hisses into the phone, pressing it close to her ear as she tries to find something presentable to wear. Her best friend groans on the other end, and she thinks she hears Emma mumbles something about hanging up. “I’ll never forgive you Nolan-Greenes if this line goes dead!”

_ “Go back to bed, baby,”  _ Shelby hears Alyssa murmur before the unmistakable rustling of sheets signals that she’s getting out of bed. She hears the click of a door and then:  _ “I take it Kaylee texted?”  _

Shelby gapes for a moment. “How’d you know?”

_ “Nothing else would make you act like this.”  _

Shelby can hear the smirk in Alyssa’s voice. 

“Don’t be smart with me, Greene,” she snipes into the phone, though she can’t help the way a small smile turns up on her face at the ease of having these weird butterflies over Kaylee in her stomach again. “I need to figure out what the vibe of the morning is.”

_ “First of all, it’s Nolan-Greene to you,” _ Alyssa laughs.  _ “Second of all, I’d think casual, right? Look pretty but not like you’re trying too hard. That is… unless you’re really doing your best to try hard. In which case, good for you.”  _

“I don’t know if I want to try hard!” Shelby groans. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to think about  _ meeting up.”  _

_ “It’s probably just meeting up,”  _ her friend supplies.  _ “Kaylee’s mellowed out a lot in the last decade, a lot due to your absence, probably.”  _ Shelby feels another twinge in her chest, but she ignores it.  _ “Xe probably wants to just tell you what happened to xem xemself.”  _

Shelby freezes from where she was pulling clothes out of her bag. “What happened to xem?”

_ “Like I said, xe probably wants to be the one to tell you.”  _ Alyssa softens.  _ “Just be receptive. And supportive. Things haven’t exactly been easy while you were ignoring the world we were from.”  _

“‘Lys?” Shelby asks quietly. 

_ “This is tough love, Shelbs,”  _ Alyssa answers.  _ “While you were off living your ‘I don’t need anybody’ life, xe really needed somebody. And you weren’t there. It can’t be easy losing your best friend and first love all in one go.”  _

Shelby sits back on her heels, suddenly breathless. She presses her lips together; words refuse to fall from her lips. 

_ First love.  _

Quietly, she wonders if those are Kaylee’s words, Alyssa’s analysis of the situation, or one in the same. 

_ “Xe doesn’t hold any anger about it,”  _ the woman assures her.  _ “Just… when you’re with xem, be all there. Listen. And let it happen how it will happen. If xe doesn’t want to tell you, xe won’t. You know how Kaylee is.”  _

“Okay,” Shelby finally manages, staring across the room at herself in the mirror. She almost doesn’t recognize herself. Back in New York, she normally has this hollowness about her, a sort of indifference; when she moved there, she adopted the philosophy to not care so much what people thought, but now, that spark in her eye, the fire deep in her gut that always steered her toward her objective, however cruel or wholesome it may have been in high school, has returned. 

_ “Shelby?”  _ Alyssa asks. 

“Yes? Sorry. I’m here,” she replies. “Thank you… for talking to me.”

_ “That’s what friends are for,”  _ Alyssa tells her softly.  _ “Now, you got this. I saw the way xe was looking at you last night. There’s something there.” _

“Thank you,” Shelby repeats. She checks the time. “Shit! Okay, I have thirty minutes to get ready. Talk later?”

_ “Of course.”  _ She imagines that Alyssa is smiling on the other end of the line, can almost see it.  _ “Good luck!” _

“Has anybody ever told you you’re the best, Alyssa?”

_ “Emma tells me everyday.”  _

“Could you two not be grossly in love for like two minutes?”

Alyssa laughs.  _ “You asked! Now get going! I believe in you.” _

“I’m going! I’m going!” Shelby laughs. “Bye, Alyssa.”

_ "Bye, Shelby.”  _

Shelby waits for the line to go dead before she tosses her phone onto her pillow haphazardly, undoing the drawstring on her pajama pants and eyeing the dress she’d picked out. It’s casual, a little shorter than last night, and its vertical pink stripes always make her seem taller. She takes a deep breath, turning back to herself in the mirror. 

Part of her wants to be angry at the excitement in her eyes, at the pounding of her heartbeat. This is just a breakfast meet-up, nothing more. She’s remained stagnant in an ever changing world, just like Alyssa pointed out. There’s no reason for the tiny bit of hope dashed across her cheeks. 

She pulls the dress over her head, repeating countlessly that this isn’t a big deal, that she’s not to get attached. She barely knows this new Kaylee, and Kaylee barely knows her, knows little of the weight she carries that she doesn’t know how to let go. 

Still, she can’t quell the gentle warmth rushing through her, can’t ignore the way her longing to see Kaylee was finally quelled and now, the wish to really connect with xem is to be fulfilled soon. 

**_(sciamachy: fighting your own shadow, so sure that there’s an enemy there when the only person, only entity, you’re really doing battle with is yourself, your imagination.)_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there! thanks for reading! what did you think? if you enjoyed, consider leaving us a comment/kudo down below. we love hearing from you :) 
> 
> as always, you can find us both in tpd and on tumblr @judastarkid and @ifthebookdoesntsell. 
> 
> be safe out there x


	4. matutine: just before dawnbreak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shelby slips out the door, not giving either of her parents time to wrap their robes around them and say hello to Kaylee. 
> 
> She waves at them from the door, commenting that breakfast smells great and that she’s sad she’s missing it, smiling when Papí waves goodbye with a grin and Mom calls that there will be enough for dinner. 
> 
> Locking the door, Shelby checks to make sure she has her phone and wallet one last time, knowing— hoping, if she’s honest— that it’s entirely possible this won’t be a one-stop kind of day. She doesn’t think to look up as she walks down the driveway, and when she finally does, she’s pretty sure her heart actually stops. 
> 
> (Or, Shelby and Kaylee finally meet up, and Shelby's fairly sure that she's not as over her best friend as she likes to tell people.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all! happy saturday. this chapter is a bit longer and covers it bit more! we hope that you like it :)
> 
> like last chapter, [here's](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4zEUp1r8i7AA94lO9g4g9r?si=X5oncEG_R028bGg_WKSn_w) a link to the playlist for this fic, too! 
> 
> thanks for reading!

**_(yuánfèn: a relationship believed to be bound by fate, by destiny; the force that brings two people together.)_ **

Shelby slips out the door, not giving either of her parents time to wrap their robes around them and say hello to Kaylee. 

She waves at them from the door, commenting that breakfast smells great and that she’s sad she’s missing it, smiling when Papí waves goodbye with a grin and Mom calls that there will be enough for dinner. 

Locking the door, Shelby checks to make sure she has her phone and wallet one last time, knowing— hoping, if she’s honest— that it’s entirely possible this won’t be a one-stop kind of day. She doesn’t think to look up as she walks down the driveway, and when she finally does, she’s pretty sure her heart actually stops. 

For a moment, all rational thought leaves her. Quietly, she hears Alyssa’s voice in her head, something about not rushing into anything, about listening carefully and waiting to hear Kaylee’s story, but the eighteen-year-old part of her, the Shelby that still takes up a certain section of her heart, the one that never really got over her best friend is in control right now and there’s absolutely nothing she can do to stop it. 

Kaylee’s wearing different glasses than last night, a navy pair with lighter blue on the inner frame, the kind that highlights xyr eyes, which glimmer with a sort of knowing mirth. 

Shelby has always loved xyr eyes, loved how overtly emotional they’ve always been. Breathlessly, she studies them for a moment, the crow’s feet that are indicative of much laughter, the kaleidoscope tendencies of xyr sapphire gaze, the way it seems to move like water with each passing second.

She takes in the rest of xyr frame, the fit of xyr flower-print button-up, the way Kaylee’s cuffed the short-sleeves around xyr biceps, the tightness of xyr skinny jeans. 

There’s a lot of things Shelby outgrew. 

But her attraction to one Kaylee Klein, it turns out, is not one of them. 

“Hi,” Kaylee says, lips twitching around a smirk. 

Shelby blushes furiously, scratching the back of her neck. 

“Hi there.” 

“Sleep well?” xe asks, leaned against the passenger side as they stare at each other, arms across xyr chest. 

“Yeah.” Shelby nods. “You know, considering that I haven’t been out that late in a long time. You?”

Kaylee snorts. “Same for me, though I’m surprised that you of all people haven’t been out on the town in New York City.”

“I’m a licensed psychotherapist, 'Lee,” Shelby laughs. “I can’t exactly be going out when I have patients.”

Kaylee smiles softly, the sort of smile that Shelby knows is the one xe gets when xe’s proud, as if to say _I know that was your dream. I’m glad it happened._

Her heart dances a little before she forces it back into her chest. 

“You have breakfast for me or what, Klein?” she teases, breaking her gaze from xyrs. 

“So bossy,” Kaylee fake-grumbles. “And ungrateful! I woke up early to get this shit.”

Shelby laughs. “Why does it feel like you’re more dramatic than high school?”

“All us enbies are dramatic,” Kaylee tells her wisely, lifting xemself from where xe was leaning and pulling open the passenger door before rounding towards the driver’s side. “You should do a study on that, Ms. Licensed Psychotherapist.”

Shelby’s eyes light up. This is easy. Fun. She can do this. 

“That’s _Dr._ Licensed Psychotherapist to you.”

Kaylee laughs. 

Shelby takes a seat and shuts the door, rolling her eyes when Kaylee immediately places the bag of food in her lap. “Are we seriously going to eat in front of my parents’ house?”

“Still as judgmental as ever,” Kaylee stage-whispers, but xe shakes xyr head and puts the key in the ignition. “No, I just need you to hold this. I’ll drive us to the old spot. That okay?”

_The old spot._

Shelby feels the familiar weight settle in her stomach at that. They had places that were theirs, the formings of a life, memories and hopes and gentle whispers of all they could be. 

And she left all of that behind. 

In this moment, if she’s honest, Shelby has no idea why Kaylee asked to meet up. Sure, Alyssa mentioned _a story,_ but that’s no reason for xem to want to get together. It’s difficult to comprehend. It’s not as if she would want to get together with her first love to rehash her past. 

Though, maybe it’s possible that right now, Shelby is just the best friend. And that she doesn’t mind one bit. 

Still, there’s a sort of heat between them as Kaylee starts to drive, as xe puts xyr hand on the back of the passenger seat absently, as if xe does this all the time, as if xe doesn’t know that it’s the exact kind of thing that makes Shelby’s heart pick up its pace. 

Carefully, xe makes a left toward where the houses begin to thin, where there are side streets abound, where xe used to take her when they didn’t want anybody else to see. 

Shelby watches the sky and ground blur together as Kaylee’s foot grows heavier on the gas pedal. Many of the storefronts are different than she remembers— she’s been home, but not in this direction; there’s too many memories, too much history— and it looks as though a few families that she considered _neighbors_ have moved out. 

Regret and acid twinge in her gut once more, a sort of mourning taking hold in her chest as Kaylee turns up the radio, the tension between them too heavy to voice. 

Briefly, she contemplates pretending to be asleep, but that never worked on Kaylee and is childish at best. Instead, she watches Edgewater continue to flit by, observing the differences in this world that was once hers, was once all she knew, and she allows the electricity to crackle between them without interruption. 

_This is just a hangout,_ she tells herself again. 

Alyssa’s voice joins the chorus. _You weren’t here._

She chances a glance at Kaylee, at the shave of xyr undercut that she’s never gotten to feel, at the way xyr eyes flicker over the road with practiced ease, the kind that xe never had in high school, the kind that always made Shelby clench the armrest jokingly whenever xe went over sixty-five. She traces xyr jaw, the bridge of xyr nose with her gaze, quietly considers the way it seems as though xe’s been working out, at the confidence in every one of xyr moves. 

_You weren’t here._

Kaylee looks at her briefly, and the look is one she doesn’t recognize, one she’s sure Nick could identify in a snap if asked. 

_You weren't here._

Shelby laughs silently, humorlessly to herself. 

She wasn’t here. That much is clear. 

***

Kaylee parks the car without too much trouble on their side street. If she remembers right, Emma and Alyssa claimed the next one as theirs, and Kevin and Nick always set off sparklers and firecrackers on the next. 

“Your extra maple syrup is in the paper bag,” Kaylee tells her with a grin, and Shelby smiles back at xem, reaching in—

Confusion washes over her as she takes a look at the containers. They look… actually eco-friendly, marked with the little recycle symbol with text underneath that tells its user that it’s made from 100% reclaimed material. It’s not exactly something that any sort of local diner can afford to do. 

“This isn’t from the usual place.” Shelby doesn’t mean to voice the thought out loud. “Did Lucky Luke’s close?” 

If that’s the case, Edgewater really has changed. 

“Nah,” Kaylee says. It’s clear xe’s trying to keep xyr voice light. “It’s just that the place isn’t so lucky for me. Not anymore.”

Shelby stops from where she was about to crack open her breakfast and slather syrup all over it. 

“What do you mean?” She does her best to soften, to let her guard down enough to let Kaylee know that she’s listening, that she really does care. 

Kaylee shrugs, a sort of chilling half-smile on xyr face as xe begins to explain: “Well, you know, I used to go there with my parents.” 

Shelby nods carefully. Sickness and shivers rushes through her as she suddenly realizes what Alyssa meant by _story,_ by _needing someone._ She doesn’t draw conclusions of her own, though; Kaylee always hated when she did that. 

Instead, she probes gently into the statement. 

“And now?” 

Kaylee rubs xyr palms over the fabric of xyr skinny jeans, seemingly drying sweat from them. “And now, I don’t go there,” xe tries to laugh. “Not exactly lucky when it’s the place you tried to come out to your parents and they said you weren’t allowed to come home anymore.” Xe presses xyr lips together. “Should I put in a word with Luke about changing the name?” 

The joke falls flat between them. 

Shelby sits in her seat speechless. 

Kaylee groans. “You were supposed to laugh, Shelby. I had this grand plan about how I was going to make this morning not fucking sad.” 

Still, no words come. Shelby stares at the dash. 

Mr. and Mrs. Klein had never been _warm,_ but she’d always thought that they loved Kaylee more than anything. Xe’s their only child. 

Or, rather, _was._

The thought makes anger rush to all of her ends and beginnings, but she keeps that to herself. She doesn’t even know if it’s her place to get angry. Afterall, she doesn’t even know when Kaylee came out. 

They sit in the stagnant quiet, dead air refusing to circulate between them as Shelby processes. 

Kaylee, for xyr part, is doing the best xe can to seem unaffected, sliding xyr container of bacon-potato hash and waffles out of the bag. 

Finally, Shelby manages to string a few words together: “Are you okay?”

Kaylee freezes. Xe stares at her, clearly caught off guard. It’s the simplest of questions, and yet, Shelby isn’t entirely sure that anybody ever asked xem that, at least not so plainly. 

She doesn’t back down even as Kaylee seems to want to move on, disappointment rushing through her with xe laughs awkwardly and nods. 

“It happened six years ago. I’m fine.” They stare at the trees as they say it. 

“Look at me and say that.” Shelby doesn’t know where the brave ask comes from, but the words are out in the open, now. 

“Are you asking that as _Dr. Licensed Psychotherapist_ _,_ a friendly face, or as somebody who’s worried I may perform a séance to revive Luke from the dead just to complain about my shitty parents?” Kaylee’s trying desperately to shove humor into this, to shove back everything xe’s been through back into their little compartments of rationalization and resolution. 

Shelby softens. “Whatever you want me to be right now,” she replies. Her lips twitch as she plays along with xyr game for a moment. “But Dr. Psychotherapist should be the new name of my practice, I think.” 

“I concur,” Kaylee laughs. Xe meets her eyes. “And really, I’m fine. I just… didn’t expect telling you to be so hard. Maybe it’s because you liked my parents so much.” 

Shelby gapes. “Kaylee, I _hated_ your parents.” 

Xe bites xyr lip. “You did?”

“They were so _cold,”_ Shelby tells xem. “I just didn’t want to say anything, because that isn’t the place of a best friend.” _Or girlfriend,_ is what she doesn’t say. 

“Well—” Kaylee throws xyr arms up in the air— “say whatever you’d like now. They fucking suck.” 

Shelby nods with a laugh. “Fucking agreed. Not only were they terrible people, but they also needed a cooking class, Kay.” 

Kaylee giggles around the clogging of tears in xyr throat that’s quickly dissipating now that the air’s been cleared, and Shelby feels her heart soar as she continues, wanting nothing more than to see Kaylee grin at her, to force the hurt from this moment, from Kaylee’s heart and memories as best she can, if only for a second. She wants to make up for all the wallowing in ice cream that she missed, all of the cheering up she never got to do. 

“First of all—” this time, she’s the one who throws her hands up in the air— “their meatball casserole was a dry-ass brick. I suggested a _mild_ hot sauce to your dad once and he literally laughed me out of the kitchen.”

Kaylee actually snorts, putting xyr hash up onto the dashboard so xe can laugh properly, xyr glasses bouncing up and down xyr cheeks in a way that endears Shelby to no end. Her heart races quicker in her chest, and it almost feels like old times, almost feels like some kind of exoneration from all the hurt she committed in high school, from all the pain she caused by refusing to ever return to this life she thought would only remind her of everything she once was. 

It does— of course it does— but now, she can somehow give herself the freedom to consider this nothing more than a brief respite from the loneliness that is her life. 

“And your mom?! I’m fairly sure her tastebuds are dead!” she starts, suddenly breathless as Kaylee reaches out a hand and puts it on her leg. 

_“Hold on. I can’t fucking breathe,”_ xe chokes, laughter falling out of xem like xe’s a fountain. “Jesus Christ, how long have you been holding this in?” 

_“Years!”_ Shelby snaps in faux-anger, biting her lip around a larger grin when Kaylee throws xyr head back again. “Anyway! Let me finish! Your mom!” she cries out. “She once asked me to taste something to see if it was _‘too hot,’_ and offered me mashed potatoes that didn’t even have salt. _Salt,_ Kaylee! On _potatoes?!”_

Kaylee heaves in a breath, eyes teary for a whole other reason as xe manages to look at her. 

“Shelby—” xe starts, but Shelby knows she’s on a roll and she’s not _fucking done._

“So now, I beg of you, please answer this honestly: have you learned what a spice rack is? Because I will only trust food you buy from now on if you say yes,” Shelby manages to fake seriousness as she asks the question, only to realize the implications of such a statement. 

_From now on._

She said _from now on._

She stops in her tracks. 

She just implied future meet-ups, future meals, future everything—

“I have learned,” Kaylee interrupts her thoughts carefully before xe smiles, suddenly remembering something. “I think your parents really made sure my tastebuds didn’t die or something, because the first time I had Nick and Cynthia over in San Francisco, Nick almost cried at the soup I gave them.” 

Shelby manages to snicker at that. “Perfect.” 

Kaylee nods in answer. 

The dead air from earlier envelops them once more. 

Gently, Shelby reminds herself that this is only a vacation, that when she gets back to New York she’ll go back to House Hunters being her life companion, to long hours and very little sleep and absolutely no romance. None. 

She repeats such details to herself over and over again, almost able to shove her feelings back into their little box, but then she hears a deep breath beside her and she can’t help it as she turns to look at Kaylee, watches xem wipe away remaining tears of laughter. 

The silence holds for another moment, but then xe turns to look at her, and Shelby swears that the whole world stops. 

“I missed you, Shelby,” xe confesses, nervous and soft. 

Blue eyes are searching, unsure, and it’s clear that Kaylee’s anxious that xe jumped the gun on the admittance. 

Shelby swallows hard, pressing her lips together for a moment before she returns xyr gaze. 

“I missed you too, Kaylee.” 

Kaylee smiles at that. 

Shelby thinks absently that something as little as a smile has no right to make her heart flip over in her chest, but it does anyway. 

Her breath catches in her throat when suddenly a pinkie locks with hers where her hand is rested absently on the gear shift. 

She forces her eyes shut, pulse quickening when Kaylee taps three times before letting go. 

_I love you._

Shelby knows that’s what it means, knows it’s something Kaylee used to do next to her whenever they were having dinner with xyr parents, when the Kleins would start to ask Shelby where she’s going to school, about cheerleading, about _boys,_ especially that last summer, the summer before they lost touch. 

The gesture is quiet, as if Kaylee knows it’s too early for the words to be said aloud but somehow wants them to be heard anyway. 

“Let’s eat,” she blurts out, part of her angry with herself at the way hurt flickers across Kaylee’s face due to the lack of reciprocation, however platonic or romantic xe meant it. 

Xe recovers quickly, plastering on xyr best smile. “Let’s eat,” xe agrees. “You know, this place does compostable utensils, too?” 

“How very liberal of them,” Shelby jokes. 

Kaylee grins back at her, this time more genuine. “I know, right?” Xe brushes xyr hair back out of xyr eyes, rolling up the sleeve on xyr left hand so it doesn’t get in the food. 

Shelby watches the movement with rapt attention. Kaylee’s movements have always been the kind to be written in bold font, but as she watches, it’s as if there’s an even further confidence about xem. 

Xe’s strong, stronger than Shelby knows herself to be, more sure of xemself, of xyr choices and xyr life then she ever knew xem to be when they were younger. 

Some part of her scrapes together enough suspension of reality to be proud of Kaylee, to be happy for xem, even if she missed out on everything that made xem into the person that’s sitting beside her. 

“Yours good?” Kaylee asks around a bite, glasses sliding down xyr nose. 

Shelby nods, reaching out without thought to push them back up xyr face. “Really good.” She smile softly. “You know what makes it?”

“The extra syrup?” Kaylee rolls xyr eyes.

Shelby grins. “The extra syrup.” 

**_(scabulous: proud of a scar on your body, which is an autograph signed to you by a world grateful for your continued willingness to play with her, even when you don’t feel like it.)_ **

***

“That was fun,” Kaylee says, taking xyr hands off the wheel as xe turns to look at Shelby; they’re now parked just around the corner from the Gonzales residence. 

Shelby smiles back. “It was fun. Thanks for inviting me out.” She hesitates for a moment before tacking on, “And for telling me what happened.” 

Kaylee nods, a sad sort of smile on xyr lips. “You deserved to know.” Xe lights up. “And hey, thanks for insulting my parents into oblivion.”

Shelby laughs. “Anytime.” 

“Do you really mean that?” Kaylee quips. 

She nods with faux-seriousness. “Yes, Klein. I mean it. I have so much more where that came from.”

Kaylee presses xyr lips together around a grin. “I may have to take you up on that.” 

“You have my number,” Shelby says back without really contemplating what the words mean. Equally thoughtlessly, she leans over the console and pull Kaylee into a gentle hug. “This was nice,” she murmurs. “I’d stay longer, but I think my parents want to have game night or something.” 

Kaylee leans into her touch absently for a moment before xe nods, pulling back gently. “Go kick some ass at Monopoly for me, yeah?” 

Shelby nods. “How could I not?”

“Arrogant,” Kaylee teases. 

“Confident,” she corrects, like they always used to do back when things were easier. 

Kaylee snorts. “Right. Confident.” 

**_(keyframe: a moment that seemed innocuous at the time but ended up marking a diversion into a new era of your life.)_ **

***

As quietly as she can, Shelby unlocks the door and takes off her shoes, but before she can head up to her room, a voice calls her into the living room. 

“Shelby! Come here!”

Shelby throws her head back for a moment, stretching out her neck when she realizes just how tight it is, before she moves back down from the two steps she’d managed to climb and heads over to leans against the wall in sight of her mom who called. 

“Hi Mom,” she says. She turns to Papí who’s reading the paper on the couch. “Hi Papí.”

He smiles and waves, looking up. 

“We realized we never asked where you went,” her mom tells her. “Did you see a friend?”

Shelby hesitates. 

_What even is Kaylee to her?_

Finally, she just nods. There’s no use in getting into the history, in explaining to her parents that xe and her are kind of exes and also not, that they’re an _almost,_ a _maybe,_ but also so _weren’t._

“I saw Kaylee,” she supplies simply. 

“Oh!” Papí suddenly seems a thousand times more interested. Shelby smiles to herself. “How is Kaylee?”

“You should invite her over,” her mom adds. 

“Kaylee uses xe/xem pronouns now,” Shelby corrects them quickly. 

“Xe/xem?” Maria asks. 

“Those neopronouns,” Papí answers with surprising wiseness. “Remember? I showed you that article after they told us to start putting our pronouns in our emails!”

“Ah, yes,” his wife says back.

Shelby looks between them, pleased and also a bit shocked. “You did research, Papí?”

He nods, putting his paper down altogether. “I wanted to find an article to link at the bottom of my emails!” 

Shelby can’t help but smile at that. “That’s wonderful. Did you find a good one?” 

“I did,” he answers. “It was quite well-written, too.” 

She opens her mouth to say something else, but Maria holds up a hand. 

“Wait. We’re getting off track,” she says. “Before we discuss anymore about the importance of normalizing pronouns, which will no doubt turn into a dinner table topic, please invite Kaylee over. Tell xem that we’ll feed xem some real food! Not that white people mashed potatoes you always complained about.”

Shelby actually laughs at that, every bit of her lighting up. “Alright. Alright. I will! I’m seeing xem tomorrow for the third day of the reunion.” She stops for a moment, weighing her options. “Things haven’t been easy for xem,” she finally says quietly. “It’s a nice thing for you to offer.” 

Maria softens. “Xe’s always welcome. You know that.” 

Mateo nods in agreement. “Now, text xem! Ask xem what xe wants to eat!” 

Shelby laughs. “Hold your horses! I’ll ask xem tomorrow, okay? It will probably be more like a short afternoon visit, so don’t go making a feast,” she teases. 

“That’s a good idea! Invite all of your friends for a feast,” Mateo interrupts. 

Shelby doesn’t have the heart to tell them that she isn’t sure she can refer to all of them as her friends anymore, and instead, she just gives them a thumbs up. 

“I’ll ask around tomorrow.” 

“Good,” Maria says. “Now, go change out of that pretty dress and into something more comfortable!”

***

 **[Shelby, now]:** _i told my parents your pronouns and they caught on toute suite_

She doesn’t even have time to put her phone back in her pocket before a reply comes back. 

**[Kaylee, now]:** _ugh. not only do you know spanish and english, but you also remember french from high school?_

Again, Shelby can’t help but smile at the comma usage; she also isn’t one to shy away from rubbing something in xyr face. 

**[Shelby, now]:** _ >:) _

She laughs out loud at the reply, almost tripping on the last stair as she tries to get to her room. 

**[Kaylee, now]:** _don’t emoticon me, you bastard (affectionate)_

Without thinking, Shelby smiles; it’s the most absent joy she’s felt in ages, the kind that has been missing from her life. Already, she knows it’s fleeting, but she does her best to enjoy it while it lasts, sending back a gif of a frog doing a stupid little dance. 

Her breath stutters into another laugh when Kaylee taps back on the message with a thumbs down. 

**_(kairosclerosis: the moment you realize that you’re currently happy—consciously trying to savor the feeling—which prompts your intellect to identify it, pick it apart and put it in context, where it will slowly dissolve until it’s little more than an aftertaste.)_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there! thanks for reading! what did you think? if you enjoyed, consider dropping us a comment/kudo down below. we love hearing/connecting with you! it's cool to see what y'all think :)
> 
> as always, you can find both of us in tpd and @ifthebookdoesntsell and @judastarkid on tumblr. 
> 
> be safe out there x


	5. lacuna: a missing part

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Impressive,” Alyssa says, genuine. “Isn’t it, Shelby?” 
> 
> Shelby glares at her but replies anyway, lips twitching as she sends a quip back. “I mean, considering Kaylee couldn’t catch a baseball in high school, I’d say it’s only logical that xe would turn to xyr feet as the next option. So, maybe more resourceful than impressive.” 
> 
> Kaylee gapes. “Rude!” 
> 
> Shelby grins at xem, oblivious to the look Emma and Alyssa share as xe drifts into her space and knocks their shoulders, throwing her off balance. 
> 
> “I called you resourceful!” she teases. “That’s a compliment!”
> 
> “A back-handed one,” xe grumbles. 
> 
> Laughing, Shelby feels the knots in her stomach loosen, gives her heart permission to beat more freely. 
> 
> (Or, the one where things start to feel just a little better. Maybe.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all! thanks for sticking around this this story. we're really glad seem to people seem to be liking it. we get a bit more into the group dynamics overall, and it was fun to write.
> 
> we hope that you enjoy!

**_(selcouth: unfamiliar, strange, rare, and yet, so very marvelous.)_ **

“I can’t believe there are  _ mandatory _ activities at this thing,” Emma groans as she pushes the driver’s side open and gets out of the car. “And it’s Saturday! Why couldn’t they set up something, like, I don’t know, music day? Or movie night?” 

“I didn’t organize this one, so don’t look at me,” Alyssa laughs, hooking her arm around her wife’s, and Shelby watches them as she gets out from the backseat. They decided to carpool due to the lack of parking spots in town, and she tries not to look to her left as Kaylee gets out from the other side. She’s starting to think her friends are doing this on purpose, putting her and Kaylee in close proximity. 

“At least it’s only soccer,” xe calls after xyr friend. 

_ “Only _ soccer?” Emma asks. “Since when are you the sporty type, Klein?”

“Since I realized that it helped me feel less girl-y,” Kaylee answers in reply with zero bite and infinite honesty. “Besides, it’s fun! I’ve even beat Nick in PKs before.” 

“Impressive,” Alyssa says, genuine. “Isn’t it, Shelby?” 

Shelby glares at her but replies anyway, lips twitching as she sends a quip back. “I mean, considering Kaylee couldn’t catch a baseball in high school, I’d say it’s only logical that xe would turn to xyr feet as the next option. So, maybe more resourceful than impressive.” 

Kaylee gapes. “Rude!” 

Shelby grins at xem, oblivious to the look Emma and Alyssa share as xe drifts into her space and knocks their shoulders, throwing xem off balance. 

“I called you resourceful!” she teases. “That’s a compliment!”

“A back-handed one,” xe grumbles. 

Laughing, Shelby feels the knots in her stomach loosen, gives her heart permission to beat more freely. 

***

The boys are already hanging out on the field when leads the rest of them over, arm still hooked on Emma’s. 

Emma grumbles some more about not being an athlete, plopping down on the grass with an expression that leaves no room for argument. Alyssa rolls her eyes but says nothing, tying up her hair and smiling when her wife calls, “You’re pretty!” 

Shelby and Kaylee pretend to gag at the same time. 

“Could you two not be grossly in love for like two minutes?” Kaylee asks, and Shelby can’t help but giggle at that. Xe turns to her. “What?”

“I asked the exact same thing yesterday.” 

Kaylee laughs. “And the verdict was?”

“Clearly, the verdict was  _ no.”  _ Shelby grins, gesturing between their friends who seem to be having a competition over who can have the bigger heart eyes. 

“‘Sup weirdos!” a familiar voice calls behind them. 

“Thank God,” Kaylee jokes, turning around and waving at Nick, who’s got an arm wrapped around Cynthia. 

“Hey Nick!” the whole group choruses. 

Shelby waves at them, and he gives her a little nod, but it’s colder than the way they greet everyone else. 

Looks like someone holds a little resentment for the last ten years. 

Shelby can’t blame him. She sends him an apologetic little smile, and they soften a little, likely due to the gentle elbow in his ribs. 

Finally, he waves back. 

She goes to say something to him, or at least Cynthia, but before she can, a soft hand wraps around her wrist and tugs. She looks down to where Kaylee’s now dragging her to the side, swallowing hard at the contact. 

Chancing another look at Nick, this time, he seems a lot gentler, as if he sees that Kaylee’s forgiven her in some capacity, as if that gives them permission to do the same. Her heart aches a little in her chest, knowing that she once did the same for xem, was one the very definition of  _ I hate everyone you hate.  _

“Ignore Nick,” Kaylee whispers. “They’re probably just hungry or something.” 

Shelby manages a laugh. “You think so?”

“That, or he’s planning a murder,” xe jokes, eyes widening when Shelby pales slightly. “I’m kidding! They wouldn’t. Anyway, I brought you over here because when everyone starts picking teams I want you on mine.” 

Shelby smiles. “Isn’t that cheating, Kay?”

“It’s resourceful,” xe corrects with a grin. “Didn’t you say I was resourceful?”

“I can’t argue with that,” she answers, sending xem a smile back. 

As if on cue, Greg and Nick start arguing playfully. “But  _ I  _ want Kaylee on my team,” the former says, eyes narrowing. “I don’t think it’s fair if you get—” he stutters around his words, fumbling as he wholesomely tries to get his mouth around the proper pronouns. 

“You can use they!” Kaylee calls, gesturing with xyr head that they should move back over to the group. “I know it’s easier.”

“No,” Greg answers emphatically. “I got this.” 

Kaylee softens infinitely. He smiles at xem. 

“As I was  _ saying, _ it’s not fair if Boomer and Klein are on the same team! Xe’s really good, now, and Nick was on varsity in high school!” He crosses his arms. “And my husband has to be on my team. That’s, like, the rules of engagement.” 

“Is it?” Kevin chimes in, quickly silencing himself when Greg sends him a playful glare that says  _ do you want to sleep on the couch?  _

“Play fair, Nicky,” Cynthia agrees, kissing his cheek. “Emma and I are sitting out, so it’s three-v-three.” 

Everyone’s eyes snap to the couple at the nickname, and Nick reddens before they nod. “Okay. Fine. Kaylee and I will be team captains.” 

“I pick Shelby,” Kaylee blurts out as soon as the declaration is made. 

Shelby tries not to smile. 

Everyone raises their eyebrows, especially Alyssa who’s trying not to smirk. 

_ “Shut up,”  _ Shelby mouths. 

Alyssa shrugs, replying silently:  _ “I didn’t say anything.”  _

***

“Woo! Go Nicky!” Emma calls from the sideline, lounging back on the grass with her hands behind her head. 

“Fuck you, Nolan!” Nick yells, passing the ball to Alyssa. 

Nobody else showed up to play with them, though some of the other reunion-committee folks came around to check attendance. Shelby isn’t sure if it’s because of the amount of gays they have in their friend group, or if it’s because they’re still technically thought of as the  _ cool kids.  _ Either way, she doesn’t really mind. It’s allowed her to see the new dynamics. 

“That’s Nolan- _ Greene _ to you!” Emma calls after them. 

Nick flips her the bird, nutmegging Greg easily who groans before Kaylee swoops in and steals the ball from xyr best friend like it’s nothing. 

“Get on my level, Nicky!” Kaylee laughs, sprinting in the other direction. 

Shelby follows quickly behind, a little breathless; she hadn’t expected to do this much running. The goal is open, since they decided they didn’t have enough people for a goalie, and Shelby’s surprised when Kaylee passes the ball to her with a smile. 

“Don’t fuck this up,” xe calls, and despite the fact that it’s a reunion soccer game made up of six of her ex-friends that is sure to end any minute as soon as Marcus comes by for the last time to check that nobody ditched, Shelby feels a sort of pressure descend over her. 

Luckily, she’s not totally inept, and as Nick comes barreling towards her, she taps the ball into the net easily. 

“Yes!” Kaylee pumps xyr fist, high fiving Greg, who, as it turns out, isn’t totally mad at being on Kevin’s team now that they’re winning. 

“I hate it here,” Nick grumbles, flopping down onto the grass dramatically. 

“I’m hungry,” Kevin complains at the same time, falling down on top of his best friend. 

Shelby’s parents’ voice echoes in her head at that. “We could have lunch at my place!” she says. “My parents said to invite y’all over. They want to make a feast, or something.” 

Nick sits up, pushing Kevin off of them. “A Gonzales feast?” He adjusts his hat on his head. “I’m totally in.” 

“Me too!” Alyssa agrees. “And Emma does whatever I say,” she jokes.

“Untrue!” Emma protests, but she relents immediately when her wife turns to look at her. 

“Gay,” Kevin mumbles. 

Emma points at him accusingly. “Look who’s talking.”

“We’re  _ queer-platonically _ gay, thank you,” her cousin says, sticking his tongue out.

Shelby can’t help but laugh at the exchange. Some things about their little arguments just haven’t changed at all. She watches as everyone starts to gather their things, hanging back slightly to wait for Kaylee who’s tying xyr shoes better. 

She hesitates for a moment before opting to tell xem the truth. 

“You know, my parents originally said I should only invite you,” she whispers, picking up Kaylee’s bag without thinking as xe stands up. 

“Did they now?” Kaylee grins. “Always knew they liked me.” 

Shelby rolls her eyes but nods. “They missed you, I think. Besides—” she stops briefly before continuing— “I meant it when I said that I missed you, too. And I’m sure you could do with some good home cooking.”

Kaylee melts a little at that. “I meant it when I said I missed you too,” xe says softly. “And yeah, I really could. San Francisco food is great and all— their Mexican isn’t half bad!— but nothing ever beats Mom and Papí Gonzales.” 

Shelby smiles. “They’ll be glad to hear that.” 

***

**_(heartworm: a relationship or friendship that you can’t get out of your head, which you thought had faded long ago but is still somehow alive and unfinished, like an abandoned campsite whose smoldering embers still have the power to start a forest fire.)_ **

Everyone disperses throughout the Gonzales house when they arrive and Shelby unlocks the door, calling to her parents that they have guests. 

Immediately, Maria and Mateo both come to the door; the house smells like spice and comfort, and already, Shelby knows that they went all out, despite the fact that she told them it was only a small get-together. 

Hugs are given out liberally to each of her friends who all file past to get comfortable or help out once they exchange pleasantries, until it’s only Kaylee and Shelby left in the front hall. 

“Kaylee!” Maria exclaims first, taking a few steps forward and reaching to take xyr face in her hands. “You look well!” 

Kaylee smiles. “Hi Mrs. Gonzales,” xe says, leaning into the touch. Whether xe will admit it or not, xyr trembling is obvious. “I am well.”

“I like your hair.” The woman points to xyr undercut. “Very nice.” 

Kaylee nods. “Thank you.” 

“I’d like a turn,” Mateo complains, playfully moving his wife out of the way. 

“Hi Papí,” Kaylee laughs, drifting into his space, a little unsure. 

“Hi Kaylee,” he says softly, closing the distance and pulling xem into a hug. 

Kaylee lets out an audible breath, and Shelby watches out, keeping her distance as she leans against the far wall. She feels herself growing slightly misty the longer the scene in front of her unfolds, but she forces herself to stay quiet about it, knowing that Kaylee needs this, that this is the sort of thing they haven’t had in years. 

Finally, the moment is broken when Kevin pokes his head around the corner. “Mrs. G? Your soup is…  _ really  _ boiling!” 

“ _Mierda,_ ” Maria mumbles, slipping past her husband and back into the kitchen. “Thank you, Kevin,” she says, patting his cheek. 

He smiles. “Of course.” 

Mateo releases Kaylee at that. “It’s good to see you,  _ hije,” _ he whispers.

“It’s good to see you too,” xe replies, smiling up at him, a little watery. 

“We missed you around here!” He gestures to the house, teasing, “It was very quiet.” Kaylee laughs. He reaches out to hold xyr shoulder. “Our Shelby didn’t say much, but she did say you’ve been having it a little hard,” he whispers. “If you ever need anything, you just let us know, yes?”

A look of surprised joy flickers across xyr face. “Thank you. That means a lot.” 

He grins at her. “You’re family, Kaylee!” 

Xe hugs him again. 

_ “Thank you, Papí,”  _ Shelby mouths at him. 

Her father smiles at her, kissing the top of Kaylee’s head as he sends her a discreet thumbs up. 

**_(nakama: the ones which we could consider family, even if they are not necessarily related to us.)_ **

***

**_(ineffable: utterly indescribable in its beauty; something too sacred to speak of.)_ **

Once more greetings are exchanged, Maria and Mateo practically kick everyone out of the kitchen, including their own daughter. 

Mateo turns on the TV since there’s a few channels covering the baseball season’s spring training, and Kevin and Nick settle on the couch, Greg cuddled under Kevin’s arm and Cynthia showing everyone except her partner up on baseball knowledge. 

Nick is rather smug about the latter fact. 

Emma and Alyssa squish together in the armchair, talking amongst themselves, which leaves—

Kaylee taps her on the arm. “Treehouse?” xe asks softly. 

Warmth rushes through her. It shoves her back in time, to days just like this where everyone would crowd in the Gonzales living room, where everyone would settle into their normal spots and it would just leave her and Kaylee to find their own. Together, they’d grown up in the treehouse her father built, from first grade till senior year, sharing secrets, doing their homework, talking until the sun went down and Maria called for them to have dinner. 

In a flash, Shelby suddenly remembers it’s where they had their first kiss, too. 

Still, she can do nothing but nod, can’t find any strength to refuse, not with the way Kaylee’s looking at her. 

In the most absent part of her, Shelby wonders if everybody will notice that they’ve gone off together once more, but the rest of her doesn’t really care. Kaylee tends to do this to her, tends to force her worries to fall away, tends to make her demons that whisper of regret and anxiety to leave her be. 

She follows as Kaylee makes xyr way towards the door, unlocking it quietly. Nick and Kevin are yelling about some baseball free agent— something about the Los Angeles Dodgers losing one of their best players— and Shelby takes their concentration on another topic as an opportunity to slip out to the backyard quickly. 

Kaylee’s already climbing the ladder, and xe takes xyr usual spot on the far side, leaving enough room for her to sit beside xem without much issue. 

Carefully, she scoots until she’s able to settle next to xem, looking over the top of her house and watching as the clouds move across the perfect blue sky. It doesn’t seem like Kaylee is going to say much, so she doesn’t push. 

She presses her lips together, taking a deep breath. Silence has always made her uncomfortable, always felt oddly suffocating in a way that was never quite explainable. 

Finally, she can’t take it anymore. 

“There’s this show I really like,” she starts nervously, looking down at the roof of her house, now. “I think you might like it.” She’s already kicking herself, because now that she’s started talking, she doesn’t know if she can stop. “It’s called Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist. Have you heard of it?” She doesn’t even wait for Kaylee to answer. God, sometimes she wants to beat her brain with a stick. “It has really nice music! And… and hot people!”  _ God dammit, Shelby.  _ “And it really portrays loss in a way that helps those outside of the psychology world, you know? Like, it really studies that concept of feeling like you’ve lost something that isn’t technically gone yet.” 

_ Oh.  _

Suddenly, Shelby realizes how much such things apply to their current situation, that Kaylee is right beside her, and yet, she’s never grieved anything harder than their love. She studies the shingles of the roof, just to have something to do. 

For a curious second, she looks over at Kaylee, further awareness washing over her that whatever’s between them is something that she’s mourned, that she accepted to be gone, made peace with the fact that Kaylee would be someone else’s, and now—

Now, she doesn’t know where they stand. 

She can never help her rambling, and she can feel Kaylee studying her with xyr pretty blue eyes, gaze flickering over her face. She finds herself blushing, growing hot all over, and it's just like the summer before college, just like the careful touches and gentle kisses they shared when they were trying to find themselves. 

There's a chasmic few inches between their fingers where they're rested, and she can’t help but quiver slightly at the way she almost feels the warmth radiating off of Kaylee. 

She’s surprised when she hears a quiet chuckle. 

"What?” She asks softly, a little nervous and unsure. 

Xe shrugs, looking away. "Nothing. It just feels like old times." 

Shelby nods. "It does, doesn't it? Except..." She stops for a moment. "Except we're different now. Better." 

"We are," Kaylee agrees. 

For a moment, the silence continues, but the tension in the air is filled with more warmth than earlier, than breakfast yesterday. Shelby doesn’t know what overcomes her, what makes her break the rule once more that she set out for herself, aside from the fact that the loneliness inside her seems to be written on Kaylee’s skin, too. 

She studies the way xe’s jaw is somewhat clenched, the way xyr eyes are bright and almost liquid, filled with a simultaneous amount of wonder, wisdom, curiosity, and reminiscence. 

At that, before she can think better of it, Shelby walks her hand across that space between them, places her hand over xyrs. Kaylee flinches despite xemself, pulling xyr hand away, and in a flash, Shelby feels a whole wave of hurt well up inside of her, one that she knows she has no right to feel. 

"Did I read this wrong?"

Kaylee bites xyr lip. "Don't do this. Not if this is just something that'll be fun again like it was last time. I've worked my entire ass off to get over you and not do it by getting under someone else." 

"It was never just fun." Shelby stares down at the ground. 

"What?"

"It was never just fun, Kay." Shelby reddens further. Maybe she was right to mourn; maybe her grief was warranted. Maybe what they had is really lost to the wind. "But it doesn't matter. You're clearly doing a lot better than me in every regard." 

Shelby watches as Kaylee freezes, and if she wanted to be hopeful, she would say that her words have somehow moved xem. 

But xe doesn’t say anything. And that’s when Shelby knows that she can’t do this anymore, can’t keep finding little moments that keep her from realizing that she won’t ever be Kaylee’s the way she’d like to be. 

She tries for a half hearted smile, joking as best she can: "When does one reach the  _ I'm no longer in love with my ex-best friend _ stage?" 

She doesn't wait for a reply, ripping her hand back from where it was barely touching Kaylee's still and standing up, heading for the ladder, rushing down it as quick as she can. It was stupid to think that there was a chance. 

So stupid. 

Kaylee is better, grown,  _ different, _ now, and Shelby is the same as she always was, still deep down in love with somebody who won't ever feel the same, who has moved on and moved past. 

Following the path, she catches a glimpse of movement in the kitchen window, taking a detour to confront whoever was watching just now. 

"Show's over!" she calls as she raps on the kitchen window, rolling her eyes when she sees Nick, Kevin, and Greg all pop up from under a counter in confusion. "Get out your white asses out of my mother’s kitchen." 

For one second, she looks back at Kaylee, who’s still sitting on the edge of the treehouse, legs dangling. From here, xe looks the same as xe did in high school, confident and gorgeous and everything Shelby always wanted but was too afraid to say. She waves gently, and Kaylee waves back. Shelby feels her heart pick up its pace, but she ignores it. Xe basically just rejected her. 

Her pulse still thumps heavy through her whole body as she rounds to the front of the house, unlocking the door with the key that’s still in her pocket and heading up to her room even as Alyssa manages to make it into the front hallway in time to share a look with her. 

She shakes her head, waving her best friend off. 

It's no time to get attached; in a few days, she'll head back to New York, back to her life, and Kaylee will head back to xyrs. In a few days, it'll be exactly as it has been for the last ten years. In a few days, they can forget about each other again, about whatever spark still lies between them— 

That's what she tells herself, anyway.

**[Alyssa, now]:** _ i left tacos outside your door _

Shelby snorts to herself, but she does get up from her bed, pushing the door open carefully and grabbing the plate. Her heart settles in her chest slightly at the familiar scent, clicking the door back into place with her foot. 

She moves to her desk, taking a bite, chest suddenly tight. Her parents’ food tastes like home, like safety, and yet, at this moment, all she wants is to be back beside Kaylee, the only other place she was sure she belonged. 

There’s movement out of the corner of her eye just as she’s about to take another bite, and when she peeks out the window, she sees Kaylee outside with her parents. 

Unable to stop herself, she smiles seeing them both hug xem, handing over to-go containers of what look to be taco fillings, some extra tortillas, soup, and cookies. 

An Uber pulls up in the next second, and she watches as Kaylee kisses Maria on the cheek and hugs Mateo goodbye. Kaylee waves one last time, and just as xe leaves, Shelby sees Nick rushing outside, clearly surprised that xe’s left. 

She ducks away when they look up at her through the window, guilt bubbling up and her appetite gone. She shoves her plate away, getting up and flopping back down onto her bed face first, the back of her throat salty as she tries not to cry. 

**_(apolune, once more.)_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there! thanks for reading. what did you think? if you enjoyed, consider dropping us a comment/kudo down below. we'd love to hear from you :)
> 
> as always, you can find both of us in tpd and @judastarkid and @ifthebookdoesnt on tumblr. 
> 
> be safe out there x


	6. affettuoso: with feeling; in a loving, tender way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaylee thanks the Uber driver as xe gets out, tipping him a little more than xe normally would. 
> 
> Xe’s grateful that there’s no pseudo-mandatory dance or party tonight, especially after the day it’s been, and xe can’t thank him enough for not turning on the radio or trying to make small talk like some of the San Francisco people who most show up on the app when xe needs a ride. 
> 
> Rushing through the lobby, Kaylee pays no mind to the few high school classmates that wave at xem who seem to want to chat, settling for a returned wave of xyr hand before successfully slipping into an elevator with nobody else. 
> 
> Xe presses the button for level six, peering into the bag that Maria and Mateo had given xem, smiling when xe immediately registers that there’s absolutely no way xe could eat all of this for lunch. A pink slip of paper catches xyr eye. 
> 
> _For your plane ride tomorrow :)_
> 
> Suddenly, xyr throat is tight. The Gonzaleses always have always been very nice to xem, and xe can’t help but feel bad that xe may have been too harsh with xyr former best friend and… whatever they were that summer. 
> 
> (Or, some Kaylee POV to finally know what's going on in xyr head.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all! we're almost to the end! here's some kaylee pov to finally know what's going on in xyr head, and some resolution! we hope that you enjoy :)

**_(numinous: that which describes an experience that makes you fearful yet fascinated.)_ **

Kaylee thanks the Uber driver as xe gets out, tipping him a little more than xe normally would. 

Xe’s grateful that there’s no pseudo-mandatory dance or party tonight, especially after the day it’s been, and xe can’t thank him enough for not turning on the radio or trying to make small talk like some of the San Francisco people who most show up on the app when xe needs a ride. 

Rushing through the lobby, Kaylee pays no mind to the few high school classmates that wave at xem who seem to want to chat, settling for a returned wave of xyr hand before successfully slipping into an elevator with nobody else. 

Xe presses the button for level six, peering into the bag that Maria and Mateo had given xem, smiling when xe immediately registers that there’s absolutely no way xe could eat all of this for lunch. A pink slip of paper catches xyr eye. 

_ For your plane ride tomorrow :)  _

Suddenly, xyr throat is tight. The Gonzaleses always have always been very nice to xem, and xe can’t help but feel bad that xe may have been too harsh with xyr former best friend and… whatever they were that summer. 

Still, at the same time, Shelby had promised they'd keep in touch and then disappeared off the face of the earth for ten years. 

Xe allows the thoughts to run through xyr head as xe makes it to xyr hotel room, swiping xyr key through the slot and pushing the door open. Xe places the bag of food on the table; xyr appetite is virtually gone for now, but xe knows xe’ll be hungry later.

Sighing, Kaylee takes xyr glasses off, putting them next to the bag before xe heads over to the bed and falls down on it, burying xyr face in the pillow. 

Xe knows that xyr phone is in xyr pocket. Xe could just call to try and clear everything up, but if there's one thing Kaylee Klein never grew out of it's xyr pride. So, the phone stays untouched, even as it blows up with notification— undoubtedly from Nick and Cynthia, and maybe even a few others. 

It continues to vibrate and ring, and xe just ignores it, shoving xyr hand into xyr pocket to turn it on silent mode before xe decides xe’d rather be asleep than deal with whatever mess xe just caused. 

Xe turns over, drifting off for what feels like barely a few seconds— when xe checks, it’s actually ten minutes— but then, there's a knocking on the door. Xe groans, rubbing xyr eyes and rolling out of bed, realizing that xe's still in the t-shirt and joggers xe had worn to the soccer game. Kaylee knows xe looks good, making no effort to fix anything as xe pads across the room and towards the door.

Without checking, Kaylee opens the door, suddenly breathless when xe sees that it's Shelby. 

"Hi," Shelby says nervously. 

Kaylee rubs xyr eyes again. "Hello." 

Shelby rubs her hands together, her fingers wringing and tangling. "I want to talk."

"We talked," Kaylee answers dumbly. 

The woman shakes her head with a smile. "No, Kay. We need to talk. Or... or work out whatever is going on between us. Or... or something."

Kaylee bites xyr lip around a smile. "If you wanted to come into my hotel room, all you had to do was ask."

Shelby reddens. "No! Not like that! I was just—"

Suddenly, Kaylee can't help it as xe starts to laugh. It's impossible not to. This is exactly how xe has imagined it for so many years: Shelby showing up, rambling, saying that she wanted to try again, and it's quickly made clear to Kaylee that for all xyr posturing, the fact that they've imagined this over and over so clearly indicates that xe isn't as over Shelby as xe likes to tell xemself. 

In a flash, Kaylee regains whatever bravery xe had in high school that made xem feared, holds it in xyr palm and repurposes it, uses it for good for one of the first times in xyr life. 

Gently, xe grabs Shelby's hand, tugging her close until they're both inches from crossing the threshold of the hotel room door. It's as symbolic as it gets, this moment of past and future converging, both standing on the precipice, just about to step into each other's space. 

As if xe is back in high school for just this moment, Kaylee remembers with startling clarity a moment over the summer where xe was in the treehouse with Shelby just as xe had been hours before. 

Xe remembers Shelby rambling, talking about some word that she loved so much: 

_ Liminal: occupying a position at, or on both sides of, a boundary or threshold, being in a transitional space, one that may be abandoned if it goes unused any longer.  _

Kaylee smiles, nose to nose with Shelby as xe had been moments after Shelby had talked about the beauty of such a word. 

"Hi," xe says again, irises flickering with barely concealed adoration. 

Shelby swallows hard, obviously trying to keep her eyes on Kaylee's and not have them drift lower. "Hello." 

"I’m going to kiss you now," Kaylee whispers.

Blushing, Shelby nods. "Okay."

Kaylee pulls Shelby across the threshold, then, whisks her from the liminal space she has been trapped in for the last ten years in a single breath. It feels as though they're moving through life again after being frozen, after being separated and some part of them being so sure that they needed to hold onto each other that those sections of their souls stayed anchored to the past. 

Grinning into the kiss, Kaylee remembers another word:  _ supernal. _ Xe hears it in eighteen-year-old Shelby's voice. 

Kaylee can’t quite remember the definition to its fullest, not now, not with Shelby’s nose pressed against xyr cheek, not as xe breathes her in, not as they make up for all their wasted youth in this single, brilliant kiss, but xe knows one thing for sure: if anything in the entire world could ever be described as supernal, it’s this moment, this kiss.

Kaylee can’t even begin to count the minutes that xe spends kissing Shelby. There’s a supreme sort of innocent exploration about it, as if they’re trying to relearn each other, what’s new, what remains. 

Shelby is soft against xem as they migrate to the couch, as she gently shoves xem backwards until she can bracket Kaylee’s thighs with hers. It’s gentle and it’s sweet; it’s everything Kaylee has wanted for longer than xe would care to admit. 

“I missed you,” Shelby murmurs into xyr mouth, earnest and pretty and honest. “I missed this.” 

“I missed you too,” Kaylee agrees, pulling the woman into another kiss. 

In this one, Kaylee tries to communicate every way that xe missed Shelby, all the times where xyr finger hovered over the call button, every time xe reread text messages in a fit of desperate loneliness. Xe leaves out the times where xe turned to somebody else at those times, where xe gave up on the thought of them ever finding their way back to each other.

“Did I ever tell you I think this new you is hot?” Shelby jokes when they pull back for a breath. 

Kaylee laughs. “You didn’t. You were too busy staring at my undercut.” 

Shelby grins at that, bright and perfect. “Just one of the things that Alyssa told me I was drooling over,” she agrees, trailing her hands up Kaylee’s neck experimentally until she can scratch gently at the closely cropped bit. Kaylee shivers, then, leaning into the touch. Shelby repeats the motion with a soft look in her eyes. 

“Nobody ever scratch your head since me, Klein?” she teases. 

Kaylee rolls xyr eyes affectionately. “Not exactly. It’s not as if I could ask Nick to scratch my head like I'm a fucking cat.”

Shelby presses her lips together around another smile. “Well, I'm here now,” she whispers. The words hold more weight than she intended, but they aren’t anything that she doesn’t mean. She is here, now, intends to be beside Kaylee for as long as xe would like. 

At the thought, she surges forward into another kiss, heart pounding quick and rough in her chest when Kaylee gasps against her lips as her fingers continue to move against xyr scalp. 

She opens her mouth to say something, but Kaylee pulls back, bright red. 

“Wait.” 

Shelby freezes, unsure. 

Kaylee sees the question in her eyes and shakes xyr head. 

“Not your fault. I just… I just nobody’s—” Xe bites xyr lip. “I haven’t done this in a long time. And… and I want it to mean something because it’s you.” Hesitating for a moment, Shelby urges xem on with her eyes. “I don’t want this to be like last time where we forget about each other because it’s what’s easiest. Or because of a miscommunication.” Xe blushes. “It was never just fun for me, either, Shelbs.”

Kaylee smiles to xemself as Shelby lets out a breath at that, relaxes against xem, clearly relieved. “I don’t want it to be like last time either.” She kisses xyr cheek. “And we don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with.” It’s her turn to redden. “Honestly, I haven’t much thought of you like that in a long while.” She gapes when blue eyes narrow in teasing challenge. “Okay... well, before I knew this new you, mostly I thought about how we used to fall asleep next to each other.” She stops. “God, that’s really stupid and embarrassing.” 

“It’s not!” Kaylee disagrees in an instant. “It’s not stupid or embarrassing. Please continue,” xe asks. 

Shelby’s fingers scratch absently at xyr undercut once more as she tries to formulate her thoughts, content to watch the way Kaylee shivers and melts under her touch. 

“I liked how you held me,” She admits quietly. “You always made me feel safe, like the monsters couldn’t get me.” Shelby looks away, throat suddenly tight. “After we... after we both left home, I started having those anxiety nightmares I used to get and I realized that the reason I never had them that summer where we...” 

She seems at a loss for words. 

“The summer where we fell in love?” Kaylee supplies gently, sure and perfect. 

Shelby’s heart stops at the confession but she nods, can’t help but think that such words are the only way to describe such a time. “The reason I never had them that summer was because you slept next to me like every night.”

Kaylee takes her hand, then, repeating what Shelby said. “Well, I'm here now,” Xe promises. 

Shelby quivers. “You’re here now.” She leans down, tears welling at the corners of her eye and threatening to spill out. “You’re here now,” She repeats. 

Kaylee nods, pressing up to kiss her forehead. “I’m here now. And I'm not going anywhere.” 

Trembling, Shelby lowers herself until she can bury her face in xyr neck. “Promise?” 

It’s a hard thing for Kaylee, normally, to agree so quickly to something so monumental, but with Shelby, xe’s never had trouble, never even had to think twice. 

“I promise.” 

Shelby’s father’s voice hits xem this time, in this moment. 

_ Querencia. A place from which strength is drawn; where you are your most authentic self. _

In this moment, Kaylee is sure xe has found such a place, though, in xyr case, it is a person. Shelby is it; Shelby is where xe finds the end of nothing, the beginning of everything, where light and dark meet and mingle, where nightmares always shift into perfect dreams without fail. Shelby is the strength xe has been craving, the one xe thought xe lost when xe became who xe was meant to be, when in reality, Shelby had been what had kept xem brave all along.

**_(viraha: the realization of love through separation.)_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there! thanks for reading. what did you think? if you enjoyed, consider dropping us a comment/kudo down below. we'd love to hear from you! 
> 
> as always, you can find us both in tpd and on tumblr @ifthebookdoesntsell and @judastarkid
> 
> be safe out there x


	7. aliferous: having wings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Let me take you out,” Kaylee whispers as they lay next to each other, curled up on their sides, caught in each other’s eyes. 
> 
> “Out?” Shelby asks, 
> 
> Kaylee nods, rolling so the xe can push her onto her back and xe can lean down for a kiss. “Like on a date.”
> 
> The corners of Shelby’s mouth lift. “A date, Mx. Klein?” 
> 
> Eyes lighting up, Kaylee pecks her lips again. “Yep. Would that be amenable, Ms. Gonzales?”
> 
> (Or, they go out; they learn about each other.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the penultimate chapter! thanks to everybody who's stuck it out with this story. we're glad that you're enjoying it :). it's been super fun to write. 
> 
> (tw for canon-typical transphobia in this chapter, but it's resolved by the end of the chapter.)

**_(vertigo: a sensation of whirling and loss of balance, associated particularly with looking down from a great height; a giddiness.)_ **

“Let me take you out,” Kaylee whispers as they lay next to each other, curled up on their sides, caught in each other’s eyes. 

“Out?” Shelby asks, 

Kaylee nods, rolling so the xe can push her onto her back and xe can lean down for a kiss. “Like on a date.”

The corners of Shelby’s mouth lift. “A date, Mx. Klein?” 

Eyes lighting up, Kaylee pecks her lips again. “Yep. Would that be amenable, Ms. Gonzales?”

“We move quick, don’t we?” she teases. 

“Only when it’s been ten years since we last kissed,” xe snarks. 

“I believe I kissed you literally a second ago,” Shelby flirts, reaching up to wrap her arms around Kaylee’s neck. 

“Remind me?” xe asks softly, eyes endless and so perfectly blue. 

There’s an impossible dizziness about this moment, about being wrapped in each other, about free-falling through the other’s atmosphere. Kaylee nudges their noses together, and when Shelby giggles, xe swears xe feels xyr heart do the monkey bars on xyr ribs. 

Kaylee continues to nose at her cheek, teasing and soft, breathing her in, waiting—

Xe laughs when it seems like Shelby has finally had enough, when she fists a hand in the front of xyr shirt and pulls xem into a kiss that’s all perfect heat and simultaneous shyness. Carefully, Kaylee presses forward, supporting xemself on the bed as xe takes in every bit of Shelby that xe can, revisiting the curve of her hip, the sharpness of her jaw, everything that xe so desperately missed, craved, searched for in every passerby that xe couldn’t help but compare to her. Shelby tastes of unspoken goodbyes and hellos, of apologies and converging moments of past and future. 

She tastes like coming home. 

Kaylee doesn’t think xe’s ever known anything better. 

***

**_(appetence: an eager desire; an instinctive inclination; a natural kind of bond, one that cannot and should not be replaced.)_ **

Kaylee tries not to stare too hard as Shelby walks down the driveway from her house; they’d stopped so that she could change into something proper and Kaylee could tell Nick that xe was still alive after ignoring all of their messages for the last three hours in favor of first wallowing and then making out with and falling asleep next to the woman who’s now walking towards her in a dress so pretty and flattering Kaylee’s half sure xe might be dreaming. 

“You’re pretty,” xe tells her. 

Shelby blushes softly. “Thank you. You’re…” She stops. “What term do you like?”

Kaylee’s heart trips over itself at the question. Nobody’s ever been so considerate to ask in a way that xe felt like they really meant it. 

Xe shrugs. “I like all of them, but gorgeous is always nice.” For a moment, xe hesitates, but Shelby looks at xem with a sort of gentleness that nobody has in years. “I guess that I like handsome too,” xe admits. 

“Well, then you’re very handsome,” Shelby says shyly, reaching forward to wrap her arms around xyr shoulders, pull out a wrinkle in the collar of xyr jean jacket. 

Kaylee can’t help but smile when the woman reaches out to straighten out xyr pronoun pin, tracing her finger over the enamel rainbow next to it. It makes xem suddenly heat up, aware of how close Shelby is, that they haven’t even left yet, but somehow, the sparks that always were kicked up between them whenever they used to be close— even after all this time— are still very much lit. 

“Wanna head out?” xe manages to blurt out, trying in vain to hide the flush rushing down xyr neck. 

“That sounds great.” Shelby grins at xem, and Kaylee can’t do anything but swallow hard when xe realizes that she knows exactly what she’s doing. 

Silently, xe sends a prayer to any deity that’s listening, hoping,  _ praying,  _ that this night goes well, that there isn’t any sort of hiccup, that this momentum continues, that their connection holds as strong as ever. The last thing Kaylee wants is to disappoint Shelby, or even worse, show her how hard life can be with xem. 

Xe’s pulled from xyr musings when Shelby presses a gentle kiss to xyr cheek. “Are you gonna get into the driver’s seat, Klein?” she asks playfully. 

Kaylee smiles at her, breathing out smoothly, “Just wanted to look at you one more time.” 

And xe does. Xe studies this new Shelby, this new sort of heat between them, the new crinkles beside her eyes, her shy smile that xe missed so much. 

**_(dystychiphobia: the fear of hurting someone.)_ **

***

“Does New York really never sleep? Because that sounds awful,” Kaylee laughs around a bite of pasta. 

They’re at a tiny hole-in-the-wall place just outside town, one of the newer restaurants to crop up in Edgewater in the last ten years. Applebee’s could only sustain them for so long. 

Shelby grins. “I mean, I’d say there’s a good two hour window where everyone crashes,” she jokes back. 

Despite the weight behind it, the air to their date is easy. They’d picked this place because it feels safe, feels like part of the change in town, feels like the kind of place meant for perfect second-first dates and careful hand holding under the table like they’re teenagers and not twenty-eight year olds still trying to get themselves together. 

As it turns out, it’s not. At least not fully. 

It’s nothing big, not to start, but Kaylee senses eyes on them, stares glaring at the back of xyr neck as xe takes another bite of pasta before twirling some on a fork to feed to Shelby. 

For her part, the woman doesn’t bat an eye, nodding and reaching forward to eat directly off xyr fork, a slight pinkness to her cheeks. Kaylee smiles to xemself as xe notices, but xe doesn’t say anything, too caught in the fact that xe can still do this to Shelby after all these years, after so much chasmic space between them. 

It helps xem to ignore the way more and more people seem to have spotted them together at the back booth, seem to have whispered to their friends that two queer people are quietly eating together, laughing, exchanging conversation the same as they are, though they seem to have their hearts set on the fact that there  _ is _ something different about them. 

Kaylee holds on a humorless chuckle at the thought that this would never happen in San Francisco. 

Still, xe tries to steer Shelby away from noticing the other customers. Xe’s not sure if it’s because xe’s worried that Shelby might blow a fuse if somebody’s rude to them, or if it’s because xe knows what can happen to out people in Indiana. For all the greatness that came out of the inclusive prom, it didn’t change every mind or heart. 

“You should come sometime. See the big city.” Shelby’s voice pulls xem from xyr thoughts. “I could show you around!”

Kaylee’s surprised at the forwardness, but xe’s pleased too. Xe’s glad to see her settling into the thought of future, into the slow re-establishment of what they are and what they should become. 

“I would love that.” Xe leans in slightly. “Would you take me to Broadway, Shelby?”

“If that’s what you wanted,” Shelby answers smoothly, doing the same until they’re almost breathing the same air. 

“Looks like Nolan and Greene got to the very top of the James Madison food chain,” a voice snarks above them. Kaylee looks up and comes face-to-face with one of Nick and Kevin’s old teammates. Brett, if xe remembers right. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Kaylee’s glad xe finds xyr voice before Shelby. 

Another, Matt, comes up behind him. “We didn’t expect the two hottest girls from high school to become  _ like them.” _

Reflexively, Kaylee corrects him: “Not a girl.”

“Is that so?” Brett asks. 

Xe nods. “Not that it’s any of your business, either.”

“So let me get this straight— or rather,  _ not,”  _ Brett jokes cruelly, reaching back for a high five from his friend that he knows will be there. “Not only did you turn gay, but you also give up all that hotness you had to become a  _ dude?”  _

“Not a dude,” Kaylee answers, chillingly clam.

“Oh,  _ okay.  _ Because that makes  _ total sense—”  _ one of the men mutters. 

Inside, xe seethes at the comment, but antagonizing has never been the way. Xe knows that from experience. 

Shelby, however, doesn’t seem to have any problem as she slaps her hand down on the table, standing up. 

“Did you have a reason for coming over here?”

“We  _ were _ going to ask if you two wanted to go out, but you’re not exactly our types anymore,” Matt laughs. “Can’t exactly date lesbians.”

“I’m bisexual, for your information.” Shelby says the words with a scarily sweet smile. “But you’re not my type. I don’t go on dates with assholes.” 

Kaylee snorts under xyr breath, falling harder for her in this moment, if possible. “Me neither. But I do prefer girls as of late. They tend to treat me more respectfully.”

Matt and Brett gape for a moment. 

“Run along.” Shelby waggles her fingers at them. 

Both men sputter, trying to think of something to say before one of them breathes, “We don’t date the in-between.” 

Shelby pulls herself from the booth, now, raising herself to full height, eyes bright with anger. “I said run along. Unless if you want me to tell the manager, who, by the way, is good friends with my mother, that you’re being discriminatory. Do you know what that word means, Brett?” Her voice is still chilling in its relaxedness. 

At that, they both turn on their heels, and Shelby watches in grim satisfaction as they pay quickly and leave. 

She turns to her date. “Now, where were we? New York?”

Kaylee does xyr best to smile and nod, but xe can’t help but feel slightly sick. “Yeah.”

Shelby notices. “Do you want to go back? I can drive.” 

Eyes filled with apology, xe nods. “I’m sorry. I just—”

The woman shakes her head. “You don’t have to apologize to me. I understand.” 

**_(tacenda: things which are best said unsaid; that which is implied, inferred, understood without a single word traded between.)_ **

***

“Are you okay?” Shelby asks quietly, reaching for Kaylee’s sleeve as xe paces. 

Kaylee ignores her for a moment, eyes tracking the floor and nothing else. Xe shifts, finally settling for, “I’m used to it.”

Shelby shakes her head, reaching forward, this time catching Kaylee’s hand. She forces xem to come closer, though xe refuses to meet her gaze. 

“That isn’t what I asked, Kay. And you know it,” Shelby murmurs. 

Kaylee quivers the tiniest bit before xe straightens, seemingly in an attempt to remain put together. Shelby attempts to lean against xem and wrap an arm around xem, but as if suddenly remembering where they are, Kaylee rips xemself from her grasp. 

“I said I’m used to it!” xe snaps, a shadow of the high school Kaylee returning. There’s a fire in xyr eyes, one that makes Shelby press her lips together, flinch a little at the harshness. 

She shifts her weight where she’s sat on the edge of the bed, suddenly uncomfortable, eyes a little wide and wet. 

Kaylee stops immediately, pulling xyr flannel tighter around them, self conscious in a flash, aware that xe chose not to wear xyr binder, that maybe the reason they got harassed at the restaurant was because of xyr  _ loudness _ , because they don’t pass that well, because— 

“I’m sorry,” xe whispers, unsure of all the things xe is apologizing for but knowing for sure xe is sorry for what happened while they were at, for snapping. “I’m sorry.” Xe repeats it because xe doesn’t know what else to do, doesn’t know what else to say. Shelby’s eyes have softened on xem, but xe still feels guilty. Xe takes a step forward until xe can touch Shelby’s arm. Suddenly, words begin to fall from xyr lips. “I’m sorry it’s complicated to be with me. I’m sorry it’s been literally six hours since I kissed you and you already have to deal with my shit. I know I’m not conventional. I know you could do better—”

Shelby holds up a hand. “Don’t say that.” 

Kaylee shakes xyr head. “It’s true. You could do better. Life could be easier!”

“I don’t want it to be easier,” she protests. “I want  _ you.”  _

Blue eyes flicker over her face at that, and Kaylee’s throat tightens. Normally, the admittance would feel too quick, too deep, but this is  _ Shelby—  _ Shelby who used to text xem in the middle of the night, who would bring xem cookies for after cheerleading practice, who knew every word to the entirety of Taylor Swift’s 1989 album but refused to admit it until xe put it on in the car and she screamed every word of Clean, let it play as they kissed in the backseat and touched each other so shyly that xe felt held together for the first time in xyr life— and before xe can stop it, Kaylee’s so fully overcome. So many people have told xem that xe was too hard to love, too hard to keep, too hard to look after. The only person who never made xem feel like that was Shelby. 

It figures that it’s still true. 

“I don’t want you to regret anything,” xe admits quietly. 

Shelby laughs, almost... amused despite the wetness in her eyes that collects on the corners. “Kay. Oh my God.” 

“What?” Kaylee asks, suddenly feeling a little dumb in Shelby’s presence. Shelby always makes xem feel stupid in the best way, makes xem forget anything but what’s between them, what they’re talking about at the very moment. 

Shelby shakes her head softly, a gentle smile on her lips. “I don’t know. How can I say this?” She looks down, unsure how much she’d like to share, unsure what’s crossing the line of just reunited, of having just gone on their first technical date in ten years. Tears suddenly spill past her eyes. She reaches up to wipe it away, but Kaylee beats her to it, gaze soft, silently begging her to continue. Shelby swallows hard before she begins to speak once more. “It’s just… you’re one of the few things in my life that I don’t regret, Kay. No matter what, I’ll never regret anything between us. You’re the first person who ever loved me. And the first person I ever loved. That doesn’t just slip away because of one night, or even ten years. Firsts like that? They matter.”

In an instant, Kaylee crashes into her. Shelby loses her breath, holding xem around xyr neck as xe practically tackles her against the bed, xyr hips settled between her legs in the most intimate hold. She feels warm tears against her neck, and on instinct, Shelby kisses the top of xyr head, holding Kaylee tighter as xe buries xemself against her. Xe is quivering, now, overwhelmed beyond belief. 

Xe begins to cry in earnest, sobs wracking through xyr chest. Kaylee can’t remember the last time xe cried, can’t remember the last time xe let xemself, but xe feels safe enough to do so in Shelby’s arms, in the grasp of the first person who ever really saw xem. 

“I’ve got you,” Shelby whispers into xyr hair, placing another kiss, this time against xyr forehead. “It’s okay.” 

Kaylee nods, jerkily, breath stuttering. Xe hears fourteen year-old Shelby in xyr head this time, an innocence to her voice that makes xyr heart clench harder. 

_ Catharsis: the process of releasing, and thereby providing relief from, strong or repressed emotions; results in renewal and restoration. _

For so long, Kaylee has held so much back, didn’t have anyone besides Nick to turn to that xe felt safe with, and now, xe can’t help it. 

This is catharsis. Xe knows this to be true; xe feels renewed, restored, safe enough to fall apart in Shelby’s arms knowing that she will help put xem back together when it is time. 

Still, something weighs heavy on xem, as xe lies in the woman’s arms. 

“What is it that you regret?” 

Shelby laughs a little, humorless and exhausted sounding. “So many things, ‘Lee.” 

Kaylee refuses to let that be the only answer. Xe pulls back from where xe is buried in her shoulder. 

“Like what?” 

Silence lies heavy between them as Kaylee waits, as xe refuses to let this go. Xe noses at Shelby’s neck in hopes of making her feel more comfortable, more willing to share secrets as they’d always done together when they were young. 

“Is it stupid to say the prom?” Shelby finally breathes. “Is it stupid to say  _ everything  _ that we were in high school?”

“Not stupid at all,” Kaylee answers. Xe feels it sometimes too, that awfulness welling up in them, that unidentifiable, untreatable regret. Suddenly, xe has a realization. “Is that why you never called any of us? After we all left, I mean.”

Shelby nods wordlessly, trembling beneath xem. 

It all makes sense in an instant: Shelby distancing herself, keeping quiet about her life, getting her degree and building a life for herself where she didn’t have to stare what she was in the face every day of her life. Kaylee shivers a little, realizing how close xe was to doing the same thing, that  _ Nick _ of all people saved xem from such things. Xe supposes that in a way, Shelby had Alyssa, and for that, xe is grateful. 

Still, at this point, Kaylee knows what needs to be done. 

“We were kids then, Shelbs,” xe murmurs. “It’s not an excuse. But it’s a factor. We were  _ kids.  _ That’s how we lived for so long. We’re different, now.” Xe kisses the side of her head. “Please forgive yourself.”

“It’s not that easy,” the woman says quietly, gasping for breath, tears welling and spilling from her eyes. 

“It is,” Kaylee insists. “Forgive yourself.” 

“Do you forgive me?” Shelby asks, staring at the ceiling, the saltiness in the back of her throat almost unbearable. 

“For what?” Kaylee replies innocently, perfectly; there’s nothing better that xe could have said. 

Just like that, sobs begin to wrack through Shelby in earnest, and she sits up, Kaylee still in her lap. Kaylee refuses to let go, holds her tighter, if anything, tangling a hand in her hair and pressing her against xyr shoulder, hushing her gently. 

“You’re forgiven,” xe whispers. “Ask any of those dummies, okay?” Shelby laughs at that. Kaylee feels xyr heart dance in xyr chest. “Ask them. They’ll say they forgave you a long time ago. It’s time for you to forgive yourself.”

Shelby gasps for breath against xyr shoulder, pressing her nose against it and breathing Kaylee’s comforting scent in. She nods once as if to say  _ I’ll work on it,  _ as if to say  _ I’ll try.  _

Kaylee kisses her forehead, and Shelby can’t help the way she shivers. It’s the tiniest of gestures, but somehow, it lifts some of the weight that has been living in her chest for longer than she’d like to admit. Somehow, it makes her feel real again. 

“Most of the baggage you carry isn’t yours, not anymore,” Kaylee whispers. “So let it go.” Shelby trembles harder at that. Kaylee scratches her scalp gently. “Let it go,” xe repeats. “You can let go.” 

Shelby nods again. Kaylee holds her tighter. 

Somehow, it feels like everything she needed to really begin to heal. 

**_(reconciliation: an element of salvation that refers to the results of atonement; being granted permission to let go of your burdens, the burdens of others, and the ones that you’ve outgrown.)_ **

***

**_(petrichor: a pleasant smell that frequently accompanies the first rain after a long period of warm, dry weather; release.)_ **

“You’re beautiful,” Kaylee murmurs, eyes still a little red from crying. 

Xe and Shelby are facing each other, both lying on their sides. It’s impossible to tell how much time has passed, if it’s early or late, if it’s been minutes or hours. Somehow, the world always seems to stop and speed whenever they’re together, whenever they are close like this. Shelby’s thumb has been rubbing across Kaylee’s cheek, wiping away any remaining tears, soothing xem into a gentle relaxedness. 

“As are you,” Shelby replies, smiling softly as Kaylee tangles their legs together and pulls her closer. “You’re beautiful, Kay.”

Kaylee blushes at that, leaning gently into Shelby’s touch. “Thank you.” 

Shelby nods softly. She reaches forward, holding xyr face in her hands, making xem feel breakable and unbroken all at once, forcing the world into a melodious sort of lull instead of a deafening cry. 

Impossibly, the world becomes a kinder while Kaylee lies there with Shelby holding xem, becomes the sort of perfect place xe always thought it to be when xe was young. In this moment, every ounce of hurt falls away, the whole world disappears, and when Shelby leans in for a kiss, Kaylee feels shrouded in the sort of darkness that proceeds a perfect, wondrous dream. 

Shelby’s lips are searching against xyrs, slightly chapped and a little salty from her own tears, but Kaylee can’t find it in xemself to care, can’t do much but smile into it, flush harder when Shelby rolls them both over so that she’s on top. She presses closer, hair curtaining her face in the way it always does when she’s feeling shy. 

Briefly, she pulls back, checking Kaylee’s face for any sign of discomfort or unsureness. Blue eyes stare back, not an ounce of any such thing in them. 

“I don’t regret you either,” xe says softly. “I never could.” 

Shelby smiles at that, bends down to kiss xem, fiery this time, happy with an abandon, with the knowledge that Kaylee feels the same. 

They both feel like they’re burning up in the best way, like every ounce of warmth in the whole world lies between them, like everything around them is in flames but they’re somehow protecting each other. It’s hard to remember if it’s dawn or dusk that envelops them, then, but it doesn’t matter.

**_(disenthrall: to set free; to be released into flight once more after being sequestered to your nest for fear of dropping from the sky with nobody to catch you; now knowing that somebody is there; now knowing that you’ve always known how to fly. your wings were just strapped to your sides.)_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there! thanks for reading. what did you think of this chapter? the development? if you enjoyed or have any thoughts, we'd love to hear from you. consider dropping us a comment/kudo down below!
> 
> as always, if you wanna chat some more you can find the both of us in tpd and on tumblr @judastarkid and @ifthebookdoesntsell. 
> 
> be safe out there x


	8. orphic: mysterious and entrancing; beyond ordinary understanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Kaylee awakens to Shelby in xyr arms for the first time in ten years, xe can’t help it as xe smiles. Shelby’s nose is pressed into xyr shoulder, and softly, xe shifts to hold her tighter, pressing xyr nose into the top of her head to breathe in her scent, one that xe fought so hard to keep in xyr memory but eventually faded due to time. 
> 
> Shelby stirs, a soft groan falling from her lips as she reaches up to rub her eyes, and despite not knowing what time it is, Kaylee finds xemself scarily aware that xe hasn’t felt this alive in years. Xe watches as the corners of Shelby’s lips pull up, as she too registers where she is, who’s holding her. 
> 
> “Good morning,” she murmurs. 
> 
> “Good morning,” Kaylee replies, kissing her forehead. “You sleep okay?”
> 
> She nods. “Best sleep in years.” 
> 
> (Or, having each other for the first time in ten years.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all! here we are: the final chapter! it's been super fun to write it, and we really hope that you've enjoyed it! 
> 
> thanks for reading!

**_(perilune: the point at which a spacecraft in lunar orbit is closest to the moon.)_ **

When Kaylee awakens to Shelby in xyr arms for the first time in ten years, xe can’t help it as xe smiles. Shelby’s nose is pressed into xyr shoulder, and softly, xe shifts to hold her tighter, pressing xyr nose into the top of her head to breathe in her scent, one that xe fought so hard to keep in xyr memory but eventually faded due to time. 

Shelby stirs, a soft groan falling from her lips as she reaches up to rub her eyes, and despite not knowing what time it is, Kaylee finds xemself scarily aware that xe hasn’t felt this alive in years. Xe watches as the corners of Shelby’s lips pull up, as she too registers where she is, who’s holding her. 

“Good morning,” she murmurs. 

“Good morning,” Kaylee replies, kissing her forehead. “You sleep okay?”

She nods. “Best sleep in years.” 

Xe rubs her back at that. “I’m glad.” 

For a moment, they catch up with their eyes, filling the air with wordless greetings and affirmations, gentle grace and quiet joy, before Kaylee’s alarm goes off. Xe moves to get up at that, but Shelby shakes her head, holding xem around the middle.

“Ten more minutes,” she whispers. 

Kaylee smiles, stomach flipping. “There’s the last lunch,” xe reminds. 

“Then we have…” Shelby squints at the clock by her side of the bed, glasses having been discarded somewhere else in the room. “Three hours before we need to go.” She noses at xyr neck. “So let’s say in bed.”

“Ten minutes,” Kaylee agrees. 

Shelby grins, placing a few gentle kisses over xyr pulse. “Ten minutes.” 

***   
Kaylee puts down the hotel room phone and watches with rapt attention as Shelby dries her hair meticulously with a towel, sitting on the couch. Her glasses are falling down her nose, and she’s only in one of xyr shirts— they’ll have to make a stop at the Gonzales house before heading to lunch so that she can change— and xe can’t help the warmth that rushes through xem, seeing Shelby in xyr clothes again, lounged in xyr space. 

Xe notices the way Shelby is humming along quietly to a song, tapping her foot, and suddenly, xe’s reminded of something. The person xe ordered room service from a few moments ago said it make take a bit because they’re so backed up, so Kaylee doesn’t feel bad when xe stands up to follow through on said memory. 

“Dance with me,” xe proposes, now beside Shelby, who’s still fixing herself in the front camera of her phone. 

“Any special reason?” Shelby teases, her eyes bright. 

“You owe me a dance,” Kaylee replies matter-of-factly. Brown eyes move over xyr face in slight confusion, and it makes xyr heart drop a little, but xe ignores it. Xe doesn’t even know why xe remembers it, so it’s not something xe can be hurt about. It’s a barely there shadow, something they talked about in the dark when all they wanted was to live in the light. “You said because we didn’t get to dance together at prom, one day, we’d have a place where we could.” Xyr voice is quiet as xe says it, as if afraid the fragility of such a moment may cause it to break in xyr hands if xe says it any louder. 

Xe looks down when Shelby doesn’t say anything right away. 

Maybe xe overstepped. Maybe xe’s moving too fast—

“I can’t believe you remembered that,” Shelby finally whispers. 

“I only just did,” Kaylee admits. “But I thought  _ what better time? _ We missed the chance at five years. And then at ten years, too, since the dance was on the first night.” Xe blushes, rubbing over xyr undercut and gnawing on xyr lip contemplatively before xe holds out xyr hand carefully. “So now, dance with me, Shelby. I mean, it’s not the James Madison gym, but we’re still at our reunion, right?

Shelby’s cheeks flush at the softness of the air between them, at the earnestness in Kaylee’s eyes. 

“It’s smaller than I expected,” she tries to joke softly, taking xyr hand, and the chuckle xe lets out makes her heart beat up her ribcage. 

“Dance with me,” Kaylee repeats now that xe’s pulled her close, now that they can both feel eyelashes ghosting over their cheeks, now that they’re so close that they’re no longer breathing oxygen, only each other. 

Gently, they begin to sway, cautious in every move as they hold each other near, as they both hear the same imaginary song, the one that Kaylee played all those years ago in the bathroom as they dyed xyr hair blue, one filled with passion and heat, except this time it’s slowed, the tempo dropped by fifty so that it can be the kind of melody that’s made for a waltz. 

Thoughtlessly, Kaylee urges Shelby into a dip, laughs because  _ Shelby laughs,  _ falls harder because xe’s the only thing keeping her from falling to the ground, xyr hand holding hers tightly, xyr other on the small of her back. After a moment, Xe pulls Shelby back up, breath suddenly caught in xyr throat at the look in her eyes that’s so sure, so tangible that it almost feels like an admittance, a declaration. 

It’s the silent kind of  _ I love you _ that Kaylee xemself had thoughtlessly placed onto Shelby’s wrist a few days ago, the kind that is almost worth more than any word in the English language, than any one of Shelby’s thousand that she used to send and take note of in hopes that she would be able to use them one day. 

_ I love you too, _ Kaylee communicates with xyr eyes, not sure xe’s ever felt more certain of something in xyr life. 

“Your turn,” Shelby whispers, and Kaylee looks at her in confusion until xe’s being leaned back. For a moment, xe yelps, holding onto Shelby tighter, and she just laughs. “I got you.” 

Kaylee grins up at her, more weight behind the words than xe intends when xe whispers, “I know.” 

Shelby blushes, pulling xem to xyr feet. “Kiss me?” 

Blue eyes glitter with mirth. “I’d love to.”

**_(redamancy: the act of loving the one who loves you; a fully returned love, the kind that makes your heart pound and settle in your chest all at once, the one you sacrifice early mornings and late nights for; the kind of love that sits with your soul when it’s lonely, urges it from the dark, whispers that everything will be okay. it is the voice that says to pick up the phone, the one that tells you that there will be someone there to answer. and while you wait for your lover to call you back, it sits with you as the sun starts to rise._ ** **_you’re loved,_ ** **_it whispers, affirms, demands that you know._ ** **_you’re so loved_ ** **_.)_ **

***

The last lunch rushes by in a blur. Shelby spends the whole time leaning on Kaylee, and xe knows that the new-old intimacy between them isn’t lost on any of their friends. 

Xe tries to savor every second, knowing full well that xe has Shelby’s bags in xyr trunk to take her to the airport right when this is over so she can make it in back for an appointment with one of her patients on Monday at noon. Xe breathes in Shelby’s familiar scent, studies her face, every line and curve, memorizes the feeling of her pressed so close. 

This isn’t goodbye— xe knows that— and yet, that feeling of leaving Edgewater once more without Shelby’s hand in xyrs still terrifies xem. 

They’re both changed, now, grown, learning to forgive themselves and each other, but the quiet voice that whispers not to get xyr hopes up still lives in xyr head without permission. Part of xem relaxes when Shelby kisses xem on the cheek, when she feeds xem a bite of tiramisu off of her fork, wipes away some of the cream from xyr top lip. 

Everything she does, Kaylee tucks it away for later, for cold nights where all xe wants is to be pressed close, to be kissed by someone who wants to kiss xem, who knows how, who wishes more than anything to be by xyr side, too. 

Kaylee can’t remember a single word xe exchanged with anyone, nothing besides the gentle, consistent buzzing of knowing for sure xe’s loved, that xe’s seen and known by the one person xe always wanted to be, that Shelby wishes to be with xem as xe is. 

They had talked late into last night, about distance and time, about wanting more, wanting things to be  _ different.  _

The thought of Shelby’s voice murmuring  _ be mine, ‘Lee? _ is enough to quell some of the fear, some of the trepidation. She had asked first, and that feels like a sign, if anything. 

All afternoon, all xe can think of are the words they exchanged afterward, the heat, the touches that felt like coming home. All Kaylee can think about is the way Shelby had smiled when xe asked if she would be xyrs, too. 

“What are you thinking about?” Shelby asks at one point close to the end of the  _ thank you’s _ and  _ see you next year’s _ . 

Kaylee can’t do anything but melt under her gaze, but answer with as much honesty as xe’s ever been able to muster, the kind xe’s only ever reserved for Shelby. 

“You.” 

***

**_(overmorrow: the day after tomorrow; taking the step of thinking beyond; the future, knowing what you wish to do with it, knowing who you wish to spend it with, the day after the next and the day after the next.)_ **

“Call me?” Kaylee asks softly, one of Shelby’s bags slung over xyr shoulder as they stand outside the airport entrance exchanging final goodbyes. 

Shelby nods. “I will. Same number?” 

The air holds electricity as they stare at each other, as Kaylee does xyr best to keep xyr eyes on Shelby’s and nowhere else. Idly, xe wonders what would happen if xe kissed Shelby right now, deep and perfect in the middle of the sidewalk. Xe wonders if xe would be able to let go of her, if Shelby would want to let go of xem. Xe wonders if Shelby’s lips taste like strawberry like they did last night, if xe could learn how to get high on the love that’s traded between. Xe can’t help but fantasize about what would happen if xe asked Shelby to stay another day, or if she asked xem to come with her. 

But xe doesn’t say any of that. 

Instead, xe just smiles. 

“Yeah. Just don’t call before seven my time if it’s a weekend.” 

“Still sleeping in, huh?” the woman teases. “Some things never change.” 

Kaylee laughs at that, but xe softens infinitely. “We have, though, haven’t we?” xe says, reaching up on xyr toes to kiss Shelby’s cheek, lingering for too long, nosing at her cheek for a moment before murmuring, “Which means you will call this time, right?” 

“I will.” Shelby nods, so sure of herself, eyes filled with a kind of strength. 

“Okay,” Kaylee whispers. “Can’t wait to hear your voice again, then.” 

Shelby bites her lip around a grin. “I can’t wait to hear yours.” She leans down to kiss xyr cheek, breathing xem in, trembling slightly. “I’ll call when I get into my apartment,” she promises. 

“I’ll wait by the phone,” Kaylee answers. 

Shelby nods, gaze bright. For a moment, xe holds onto her arm, afraid to let go, but she tugs herself gently free. She pecks xem on the lips before she begins to walk away, seemingly aware that if they stay close any longer it will be even more difficult to say goodbye, as it will give them more time to be reminded of the fact that they have ten years to make up for, to catch up on, to earn back so that it can no longer be considered wasted youth. 

“I will call, ‘Lee,” she repeats. 

Kaylee nods. This time, xe believes her.

***

**_(raison d’être: most literally translated as one’s “reason to be/exist;” also consider: a reason to stay up late and wait by the phone, to make promises and plans, to dream and build a future. even more deeply, let us define it as a reason to not only exist, but a reason to live.)_ **

When the phone rings, Kaylee jolts out of xyr dozing and grabs for xyr phone. “Hello?” 

_ “Hi, ‘Lee.”  _ Shelby’s voice is soft and a little sleepy when it reaches xyr ear. 

Xe’s suddenly breathless, the weight of this moment that’s been a decade in the making hitting xem square in the chest. 

"You called,” xe whispers into the receiver with a smile, lying back in bed against the pillow Shelby slept on, breathing in the last of her scent. 

Xe hears the door to Shelby’s apartment click shut. She really did call the second she got in. 

It makes xem smile. 

_ "I'm ten years late,” _ she hears the woman say quietly, clearly trying to joke but the words coming out more earnest, more honest, more self conscious than she originally intended them to be. 

It’s almost possible to hear her shift from foot to foot on the other end of the line, to hear her stop and lean against the wall. 

Kaylee doesn’t even have to think as xe replies:

"You're right on time, Shelby."

**_(perilune, indefinitely.)_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there! thanks for reading. we really hope that you enjoyed the story. if you did, consider dropping us a comment/kudo down below. we'd love to hear your thoughts on the story! 
> 
> if you wanna chat some more, you can find us in tpd or @ifthebookdoesntsell and @judastarkid on tumblr as always. 
> 
> thanks for sticking it out with us. 
> 
> be safe out there x


End file.
